I can't sleep because the snoring is too loud tonight. Way too loud. Most nights I can fall asleep anyway, but tonight it's worse than usual. Maybe it's because I'm still feeling some residual anger, so the little things become bigger and seem much worse to bear.
A few late-night wishes:
I wish I were sleeping in my warm bed right now, instead of freezing at the computer.
I wish I were more assertive and better at communicating so that each time I need to say something important, we could discuss things rationally like two adults vs. the way it ends up happening instead.
I wish I didn't have to worry about being treated well each time my family comes to visit.
I wish you would give a shit when I tell you it's humiliating to have you act like an ass almost every time they are over. Instead I get called a bitch for daring to say that I don't like being humiliated that way.
I wish you could see what is plain to anyone else with eyes that the way you treat me and them during visits is really rude.
I wish I knew why you feel the need to do this to me in the first place.
I wish I had the guts to act exactly the same way when we're with your family, so you can see that it's rude and humiliating, except I would never, EVER want to be that lame.
I wish you hadn't been so passive aggressive after we first talked about this, saying Thank You or No, Thank You in a sticky sweet voice each time I spoke to you.
I wish our kids hadn't witnessed all of this firsthand. They need to know that it's not OK to roll over and take shit that's being dished. They need to know that it's actually possible to apologize when they've hurt someone they love.
I wish you had shown my family your nice, fun, friendly side from the beginning, rather than just during the last half of our evening with them tonight. Even though you deny acting like an ass before, you did. You would never dream of acting that way around your family.
I wish you understood that ignoring my family when they first arrive, not participating in planning or doing things together, and refusing to eat with us IS behaving like an ass.
I wish you cared enough to say (or even feel) you're sorry. I wish you cared enough to acknowledge that it really does happen, and that you'll try harder not to do it again.
I wish I knew of any other guaranteed method of eliminating this treatment from my life than the one thing I know would work.
DAY AFTER UPDATE: I wish I didn't always wake up the next day and forget that I was so mad, and that you didn't always act especially nice the next day, so that I don't care about it until the next time my family comes to visit.
Of course I love him. It's just another stupid argument where I called him an ass, and he called me a bitch, and we move on the next day as if neither of us were mad. It's always the way it goes. Which is why I'm pretty sure it'll happen again, even though I wish it wouldn't.