Every month I get a visit from you like clockwork. For the most part I don't mind, as I've become used to you, after enduring over 20 years of these visits. I feel we've become rather "close." Those first few years you were pretty irregular, but I didn't mind that since I was a teenager and had no real need for a schedule in my life yet. I know I like to bitch about you to my friends, and I can't say this makes me sorry. I really enjoy ranting about you.
I've gotten used to your visits causing obnoxious side effects. Headaches, abdominal pain, irritability. The stress of your impending visit sometimes makes me eat more junk food, and I gain weight and retain water like crazy. But I'm used to this as well, and have learned to deal with it. You are part of my life, just like many other obnoxious relatives.
But this month, give me a break! You are acting so gushy and have caused serious upheaval to my routine. Why must you be so overbearing this time?? I find I'm having to check on you at least hourly, otherwise I discover you've made a huge mess of yourself again. And although I haven't noticed any headaches this time (yet!), you have instead caused me to break out in acne. I'm way too old for this nonsense, don't you agree?
Unfortunately, the only way I am able to finally be rid of you involves me paying an arm and a leg to hire an assassin to take you out with sharp objects, and I stand to lose work time and pay as I take time to recover from your death. You are very difficult to get rid of.
Just get this visit over with already, and feel free to make it 5 weeks between visits next time, OK?