Alone Time

I'm taking tomorrow off as a vacation day. It makes me think of the few times I've had alone time, just me in my own house. It's been so rare, I can probably name the instances from the past 13 years on two fingers.

When my youngest was in kindergarten, my boss told me that since it was my birthday, I could choose any day to take off that week, paid. So I picked the day and it was great. At the time I only had one week of vacation per year, or 5 days of vacation. I used them to go on vacation with my family. Never before this day off had I had time to myself at home, unless you count my year as an exchange student when I skipped school so much...

I had exactly 2 hours and 30 minutes, as long as kindergarten lasted. I had to make this good.

I found my favorite movie and put it in the DVD player. I turned on the TV and got out the DVD remote, and pushed play. And NOTHING. I swore, and started pushing buttons. Nothing. I had three remotes in front of me, and I was desperately trying to remember the right sequence of buttons to push on which remote in order to make a movie play. I had been shown one time, months previous, and I couldn't remember any of it. I tried for a good 15 minutes before I was forced to make THE CALL.

"Hi Honey, I know you're busy but can you just quickly talk me through getting my DVD to play?"

"You don't know how to play a movie?" He starts laughing because he knows he's got me by the balls. I hear him telling his co-workers all about my ignorance, and I endure it because, damnit, I want my movie! I roll my eyes as he enjoys his moment at my expense.

He finally explains what to do, including using one remote I didn't even have out, used solely for making the switch from regular TV viewing to DVD viewing. I needed to choose something like "DVI Component" or something (I forget what it says) from a menu of ten or so items in order to get to DVD watching. I had no idea such a thing was required. Thank you so much, babe! He laughs harder at me as he hangs up. I can see him shanking his head in my mind's eye. I vow to never eat at his restaurant again.

I follow his instructions to the letter, and nothing. I can't get the DVI Component line to take once it's highlighted. WTF?? I try for another 10 minutes, but then give up since 1. I must have gotten the instructions wrong the first time, and 2. My 2.5 hours are dwindling fast, and I WANT MY MOVIE!!!

I hang my head and dial the phone.

One of his co-workers answers the phone, and I can hear her tell my husband that it's me calling. He then proceeds to shout/laugh his disbelief to his entire crew, something to the effect of "Holy Shit! When will she ever learn to use the remote?" This goes on for a bit, enough to really, really piss me off. As if I wasn't already seriously pissed off after trying to get my movie to play.

He gets on the phone with this serious tone like he can't believe I'm intruding so much and like I'm really putting him out of his valuable work time from sheer stupidity. I say, "It's not working. Something isn't working right." He makes another awful remark about it being the operator of the remote, not the remote itself.

Through gritted teeth I grind out in my Damien voice, "I am half a second away from throwing this damn remote right throught the TV! Make fun of me ONE MORE TIME."

Now I have HIM by the balls, and he knows it.

I explain how I did exactly what he told me, and how it won't move from the DVI Component line.

Suddenly the mystery is solved. Apparently, once you choose the right line on the menu, you have to hit the left arrow button, not the SELECT button as one (with a brain) would expect. No WONDER I didn't get it right.

Tomorrow I'm going to draw all morning and watch TWO movies while I do it! I can't wait!

Oh yeah, and the phone's going to be off the hook.