December 23, 2007

If I were free of all fear, I would...Guest Post #6

Having died (no vital signs) 4 times in this life and having my family brutally murdered in front of me, with me killing one of the murderers, I have little left to fear.

My one great fear is of being disabled. I have a touch of that from this latest stroke, where half my body still doesn't work too well (I'm typing this with one hand at about 30wpm), but I am terrified of being trapped in this body unable to communicate or do anything. My best friend's father was in that state for several months. His only communication was by the look in his eyes; he didn't even have the muscular control to blink 'yes' and 'no.' But he could cry. There are many definitions of hell; surely this must be one of them.

If I had no fear, I'd throw away all the stupid pills I take every day and just let nature take its course.

Mai (Harinder Kaur)

Some see things as they are and ask, Why?
I dream things that never were and ask, Why not?
Bobby Kennedy

Other blog links for Mai: Sometimes - 2 and The Road to Khalistan


wry catcher said...

Dear Mai -- My memories of 1984 are not very clear, but I do know it was about that time that I learned what "Sikh" meant. The riots of Delhi (the pogroms perhaps more accurately) are probably why.

Your point about the reptilian brain is well taken, and I believe you've truly lived to make peaceful friends with seems clear you have. That said, I hope the fear of what will happen if you stop taking your pills will continue to spur you to take them. Your stories are the kinds of lessons we literally won't be able to live without. If you're not writing a book, you should be. Really.

wry catcher said...

I just wanted to add that "How Can I Keep From Singing" was the only song I had at my wedding. Even though I'm not religious, I find it deeply touching. The way it turned up in your story is beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I have to add that I agree with Wry, Mai. I've spent my Christmas Eve morning reading about your life and those of your dear children and husband. As a mother, I can only hope that my son will be as wonderful a statement of the goodness of mankind as yours is. I hope that you have your ENTIRE story written down somewhere, even if no one will see it for years to come. It's too important a story to keep to yourself and I appreciate very much your efforts in telling us.

Thank you.

Mai said...

My blogs are my books. I am working on put them in some sort of order. I can see you two have been reading them. Thank you! :)

I want to put them in a third blog in some sort of logical order.
The first part of my sorting out is about 1984 at

Next is going to be about Dad, I think. I do need to get to that #3 blog soon!

Riots they most certainly were not! I think government-sponsored pogrom comes a lot closer. A few of us fortunate ones fought a true battle. I call it The Battle of Delhi - 1984, or The Second Battle of Delhi. Some survivors don't like that, saying it gives it too much dignity, not really blaming the perpetrators.

A lovely, lovely song. I still sing it at least once every day.

Thank you for your kind words about Sandeep. He was unique, some sort of born saint. I have never really been able to figure him out. I'm just grateful to have been his mother.

Mai said...

Jennifer, I tried to read your blog, but since it's not listed in your profile, I have no idea how to get there. If you don't mind, drop me a line at and give me the address - unless it's a secret...

An old Mormon friend of mine tried to teach me the difference between 'secret' and 'sacred.' I never did get it.

Wry Catcher, if I may ask, are you the person from Switzerland? Just curious.

And those links I gave, I guess you already have those through my name. Ah, well, I tried!

Phoenix Touch said...


I feel ashamed to say that I know nothing about 1984 and appreciate your willingness to share your story so publicly. I have spent most of my life sweetly oblivious to the ongoings of the world. I choose to not watch/read/listen to the news because I believe that it is all drivel masterminded by those in power to give us only the information they want us to know. It also fills my overimaginative brain with images and sounds that flourish to grand scales in my dark moments. Therefore, I limit what goes in.

As time goes on, I am taking in your posts bit by bit. I appreciate the personal view. I appreciate reading from someone who experienced it. I can feel that your words are unfiltered and real. I really appreciate how reading your words have put my life into perspective.

Thank you, Mai. Thank you so very much.

With love,

Mai said...

The Indiab press has been masterful at keeping the world from knowing what happened. That's one of the reasons I write, just to get the information out there. There are a lot more informatiion in the links on the Khalistan blogs.

When people like you read, it encourages me that my/our writings are making a difference..

I have been less successful in getting other survivors to put it out there. I do try to put in links when I find them.

Thank you for your kind words.


Anonymous said...


I made my blog not so public when I started being very personal about what I wrote. That's why it's not listed in my profile. You are very welcome to have the link though.

On that blog will be a link to the blog where I talk about leaving Mormonism, if you are interested in that at all.

Mai said...

I'm interested! I'm interested! I'm not sure how or why I got so interested in people leaving Mormonisn...I guess fta's story is so full of all the strong human emotions, I get carried along. It's so uplifting to me to watch her learning and struggling to create a life she can believe in.

I am extremely interested in people sharing who they are. I have written things in my blog/s for the wholw world to see that I've never told anyone. I do sometimes wonder how far I can count on the anonymity of the Net.

My address is simayanan@

Anonymous said...

Alright. I emailed my blog to you and then it has a link to my leaving Mormonism blog. :)