December 11, 2007

How can I expect you to do it if I'm too scared to?

Here is my writing from months ago which I wrote when I was asked what I'd do if I were free of all fear. I figured that it was pretty lame to ask you to post about your fears if I can't do it too. Of course, you are able to do so anonymously here, whereas I'm putting myself out there somewhat. So be kind, please. This isn't easy.

If I were magically free of all fear, I would swim naked in the ocean. . .in daylight. . .with my friends. . .with large sharks swimming around me. . .in water over my head. . .and I'd calmly let the currents pull me into the deeper water until the shore was no longer in view. Hell, if I were fearless I'd swim AT ALL.

I'd go dancing in high heels and a little black dress, and I would dance alone in the middle of the floor, my arms raised high and my hair and hips swaying to the music, and I would relish all eyes on me. I would accept the drink bought by the handsome stranger across the room, and I'd confidently charm him and would later enjoy our one-night-stand. I would return home the next morning without regret.

If I were magically free of all fear, I would quit my day job (my awesome day job that allows me to blog a lot) and I'd become the artist I know I am. I'd laugh in the face of rejections and I'd damn well shine. I'd approach the best galleries to sell my art.

I'd eat alone in my favorite restaurant, and then I'd go to the movies alone too. Afterward, I'd walk to my car with confidence that nobody bad was lurking in the dark shadows near my car. I'd roll down my windows and crank up the volume and I'd sing along. . .You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. . .

If I were magically free of all fear, I'd book a trip to Austria immediately so I could visit my LDS host family I abandoned for 12 years after being afraid to tell them I got pregnant at BYU, and I'd tell them (in person this time) that their adoptive daughter left the church, and why. I'd say it with caring and with confidence that their love for me is secure. I'd also book a month-long trip with my host sister to heal the wounds I caused by not calling, writing, or staying in touch from the time she was 13 to when she was 25. I was her only "sister" and I really let her down. I'd attempt to make it up to her bigtime.

I'd write a novel. A very good novel.

I'd tell people what I really feel and not worry that they'll think less of me for my honesty. I'd also do it with style.

I'd take myself and my kids to a counselor and we'd learn how to communicate better, if I were free of all fear. I'd encourage my husband to do the same. If I were free of all fear, I'd say what I really mean and I'd mean what I say, and I wouldn't worry about the ramifications of doing so, which are probably all in my mind anyhow. I'd walk away from people who consistently hurt me with their words, because I would have no fear that my happiness isn't worth fighting for or that I don't deserve to be happy.

If I were magically free of all fear, I'd walk up to Dubya and tell him what I really think of his fucking bumbling ineptitude.

If I were magically free of all fear, I'd take the chance to meet each and every one of you as I travel the world to gather experiences and reference material for my art and my writing. Oh, who am I kidding?? I'd meet every one of you because I love you and feel like you have made me whole. And I'd tell you that to your face, because I fear nothing.

If you were fearless, what would YOU do?

4 comments:

An Enlightened Fairy said...

OMG. I love this post. LOVE IT.
I love you and I appreciate you, even when you aren't the strong woman that swims with sharks. I don't want you to dance alone, my friend, I want to be there with you.
MWAH! You are fabulous and I love ya to pieces.

JulieAnn Henneman said...

Loved this post. I think I might do my own, since I don't wanna hog your comment section. :)

You rule, SML.

Cele said...

wow, excellent post. I'm with JulieAnn I might do this too.

Beat Dad said...

I went skinny dipping with my GF, thousands of years ago, at south beach in Miami. The water was warm, it was exhilarating to be swimming there at midnight with all the dance clubs just a few yards away.

Then she told me there were sharks in the water. I jumped out of there so fast. I got her back a few months later when we were hiking around Arches in Utah; she asked if there were rattlesnakes. And scorpions, I added.

She became quite uncomfortable, I was not the least bit worried.