December 12, 2007

If I were free of all fear, I would...Guest Post #2

Let me just preface this by saying that on the outside, I am fearless. I have adrenaline and dare in spades when it comes to the physical. Skydiving? Boring. Bungee jumping? Yawn. Public speaking? For sissies. But being vulnerable? That scares the shit out of me. Can I say shit? Well, I did. And it does.

If I were free from all fear, I would do what I love for a living. I'd stop it with this Corporate America crap and throw myself into my photography and into teaching. I'd apply for that doctorate program I have my eye on and stop hedging because I'm nervous about having a safety net. I'd travel the world and take pictures of every pretty flower, every beautiful bridge, and every gorgeous person I see.

If I were free from all fear, I would be myself - my whole self - around my family and old friends. I'd stop being a watered-down version because I wouldn't be worried about rejection. I'd tell my parents that I actually learned more about unconditional love and integrity after I stopped going to their church. I'd tell my family that my being gay isn't evil, but their efforts to get me to conform are. I'd tell them that they have nothing to be afraid of.

If I were free from all fear, I would spend more time being still. I'd let myself just feel my emotions as they come up instead of constantly doing something to drown them out.

If I were free from all fear, I would spike the eggnog at my family Christmas party. At every family party, actually. I'd at least sneak a flask for myself.

If I were free from all fear, I would stand up for myself more. I'd accept that yes, I'm a really nice person - but that doesn't mean I have to sacrifice my wants. I'd understand that it's okay to be an asshole sometimes. In a business setting, I have no problem saying what's on my mind. But if I were free from fear, I'd do myself a favor and do that with the people I love, too. They mean the most to me anyway, and that would probably improve my relationships.

If I were free from all fear, I'd go out to dinner and order something crazy. I'd stop playing it safe, even with the menu. I'd have one too many drinks, spend a little too much, and stay up a little too late dancing my ass off. I'd request Britney Spears.

If I were free from fear, I would have more faith in myself. I'd let myself be as smart, as daring, and as amazing as I want to be. I'd follow my outburst from when I was four, when I shouted, "I don't WANT to be reverent!" in the middle of church. I'd stop thinking that my life has to fit nicely and neatly into a little perfectly-wrapped box. I'd let my past mistakes go and be a little easier on myself because my life has been one hell of a ride so far. I'd let go of one trapeze before I reached out for the next ...

LG

4 comments:

Cele said...

Only incredible people can put their fears out there for all to read. That is fearless and super-human. Excellent post. I especially loved your trapeze comment.

The Sacred said...

LG- This is an amazing post.
It's interesting that you mentioned how assertive and confident you are at the workplace, yet it's harder to carry that over with your family and personal relationships. We all go through this. There was so much I could relate to.
I look forward to reading your blog. You have guts. I love that.

Lizarita said...

LG-It's funny...I already see all of that fearlessness in you. xoxo

Sister Mary Lisa said...

LG ~ I love this post. You have a real gift with words, and I'm so glad you decided to share your insight with us here. Very well-said.

Raw and beautiful.