August 24, 2006

Who knows?

Last night I went to my primary presidency meeting. I was a bit nervous since I found out this week that my "friend" notified the RS pres who notified at least the high priest group leader (who sent the letter I got) and probably the bishop about my questioning whether the church is true or not. So I feared before my meeting last nite that the primary pres also heard about it and would say something at our meeting.

The worst case scenario played out in my mind: the other members of the presidency discussing me behind my back and having a sort of "intervention" discussion at our meeting. Thankfully that didn't happen. I wondered through the whole meeting if the president would be talking to me in private later since I usually drive her home after the meeting, because she walks to the house where we have it but it's dark by the time we're done. I did drive her home, and no mention of my "problem." So.....I get to wait and wonder and see if they discuss me at their next ward council with all the auxiliary leaders. I wouldn't be surprised, although I find this offensive. What a breach of my privacy. I expect it will happen though. Just like La when someone reported in a meeting of leaders that they saw her wearing normal shorts without garments. Sheece.

I'm wondering if those who know about me have noticed that neither of my kids have been to church for the last two Sundays, although I have been there. I'm sure the RS pres has noticed, since her son is the deacon's quorum president and my son is his first counselor. And it's a small quorum, so it's really obvious when one is not there. She probably thinks I'm inactive already since she hasn't seen me as I've been in the primary room during Sac. Mtg. and all through church. Two Sundays ago my son was at soccer tryouts during church, and my daughter was so tired she wouldn't get up after me trying 5 times to get her to budge out of bed. Didn't happen, and my heart just wasn't into the whole forcing-my-kids-to-come-with-me routine. The same happened this last Sunday. I had to go early to set up chairs in primary so I tried to wake up my kids but neither of them wanted to come. We had been out late the night before playing board games at my SIL's house, and I didn't have the heart to force them to go where I didn't want to go either. I remember my parents forcing me to go to church my whole childhood and I thought, WHY?? Unfortunately I forgot to mention that to my husband as I left and he had no clue the kids were home, and it shocked him when my son came walking upstairs at 11:00.

I resent my friend so much for turning me in like that. Damn! I'd much rather have thought this through on my own time and on my own terms and maybe drafted a letter to those people I actually care about at church to let them know what's up with me. Now I'm looking at everyone and wondering if they know about my private thoughts and if they are judging me or not.

I hate this.


La said...

Yeah, in thinking about the boundaries your friend crossed, I'm vicariously angry!

She feels like she's being a good friend. But really she's just being an intrusive tattle-tail. Want me to beat her up for you? I'm in Utah, after all... :)

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Smiling an evil smile as I imagine that little cat fight. But no, obviously she's a chicken (since she hasn't answered me back yet) so I'd hate to inflict on her such a fright as you in your wrath on my behalf. Thanks for that, though. I'm really disgusted she did that to me. Some friend.

I'm beginning to suspect why she has VL (virgin lips). I also take that into consideration as I think over why she felt the need to do that to me. Can you imagine how badly betrayed she'd feel if she allowed herself to look for real into the things we have discovered? The pain might be too much for her to bear. Poor soul.

Simeon's Peep Stone said...

I being serious here. I think you should forgive her. TBM's like her have very little control over what they do. She's programmed to react that way. If you look at the way people will treat you and talk to you from now on, you will see the programming. It's easier to just forgive them and hope they come out of it later.
As far as wondering if people are talking about you, stop wondering. Rest assured that every single one of us in outer blogness that haven't formally resigned or been ex'd are being talked about weekly. They aren't necessarily slamming us, they are just concerned. It may not be their business, but the programming takes over and they are convinced that our very eternal soul is at stake. It's easier to just concentrate on your own sanity and to not worry about what other people say or think.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Simeon, you are of course right. I do forgive her and just wish we could be friends. But maybe she's afraid it'd be bad to maintain contact with one she thinks may be influenced by Satan. That's sad, and a needless loss of friendship. I was once like this and hope to never feel that way again.

Gunner said...

Simeon is very right. She has been taught that her act is an act of love to protect you.

Just filter what you say to her, and feel pity for her.

Just one of many said...

The funny thing about these "friends" is that they really don't want to know the reasons why we doubt. A doubter just makes them uncomfortable because on some subconscience level they know there are problems with the church's story. Just always be honest with yourself and your family and you can never go wrong. :)