September 18, 2007

Utah Drivers

OK, I had to laugh at Melliferous Pants' blog...she's so damn funny. She recently moved to Utah from California and has discovered the suckiness that is Utah drivers.

I speculated my ideas of why this is so:

Seriously. I have a theory about the aggressiveness of Utah drivers. It has much to do with the Mormon superiority complex combined with the conscious suppression of aggression in other areas of life in order to appear more spirichul and Christlike in front of their peers.

I could be wrong, of course.

And now I have another possible theory. Men with priesthood powah rule in all things, yea, even the highway. Women drivers, sensing this and how very wrong it is, step up their aggression a notch in the one place they can anonymously do so. Not like they can do it at home with their priesthood-wielding man, right?

Regardless of the reason (hell, it could be a combination of all three we've speculated on - Pants said that perhaps the Utah drivers are so righteous they know nothing could possibly harm them), the sad truth is that Utah drivers suck eggs.

I suggested that she create some bumper stickers to sell in Utah:

Let your light so shine, even while you drive, asshole

Praise to the Man who communed with his road rage

Let us All Press On in Cutting Each Other Off

Will You Drive This Bad in the Celestial Kingdom?

~~I thought of a few more...

God be with you 'til you speed again

Have I Done Any Good on this road today?

No garments? THAT explains why you're driving the speed limit!

Forgive me, brothers and sisters, I'm late for a(nother) meeting!

I don't cut people off on Sundays, so back off!

I am your chance to practice Christlike love and forgiveness.

Any other bumper stickers you can think of?


Cele said...

Oh mi gosh Lisa you should create bumper stickers for a living. Too funny, thank you.

hm-uk said...

Brilliant stickers, SML. Here are mine:

'Choose the right...lane, when a choice is placed before you'

'We all must work, let no one shirk, now put your hand on the damned wheel and drive along'

'10% better than yours'

'Babies on board'

Anonymous said...

"Zoom Zoom Ye Saints."

"My Other Car is a handcart, but THIS one hauls ass!"

"I wouldn't have to drive like this if I were allowed to have a Starbucks."

"Hows my Driving? Call 1-800-DB-Oakes"

"Go ahead! My real driving history is locked in a vault, and I won't let anyone see it!"

JulieAnn Henneman said...

SML this was brilliant. I think you are absolutely right as to why Utah drivers SUCK ass. Here's my contribution:

WGBDIHCD? (What Would Gordon B. Do If He Could Drive?)

CTR--Especially If You're Going Only 5 Over the Speed Limit

My SUV's Better Than Your Hybrid

If You Can See This Bumper Sticker Which Reads Women Should Have The Prieshood Then you're Too Damn Close!

Get Off Of My Ass And On To Your Home Teaching

Anonymous said...


Couple more, then I HAVE to stop thinking about this!!

"Mountain Meadows Maniac!"

"Get off my ass, or I will go TELESTIAL on you!!"

"LDS; Brigham's Bad-asses!"

Thanks for such a clever post my friend!


Sister Mary Lisa said...

GodDAMN you guys are hilarious. Thanks for the laugh first thing in the morning!

mel said...

You know that the devil was always the brilliant one, and the proof is right here in this post and comments.

The anonymity of the road simply allows the truth to escape the marketing machine. These are people living with a great deal of contradiction.

Here's my bumper sticker:

"Some traffic laws are not very useful."

Sofi said...

I LOVE this post. My lame attempt at a bumper sticker would be: "I dunk dead people"

I know it's not traffic related, but I don't think I can compete with Phaedrus & Julieann.

paranoidfr33k said...

SML. You are too good. Indeed, I have laughed too much already. I don't have anything to add. I wish I had to time and money to build an electronic sign on the back of my car where I could scroll through each of these bumper stickers. I think I would get ran off the road as its completely true that mormon drivers are a contradiction.


Eric Robeck said...

I got a lot of laughs from this post, thanks! Utah drivers have always been an enigma to me, but I had never linked the phenomenon to Mormonism. Hmmm...

The problem is, it's contagious. After almost 8 years in Utah, whenever I visit my home state I can't stand it. Only 5 mph over the limit?! Come on! :-)

SuccessWarrior said...

Instead of carpool lanes around SLC, they should have temple recommend lanes.

When I was a cop, people used to hand me their temple recommend instead of their license to which I would say, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket for not having a license too."

Instantly, a license would appear. "I must have mixed them up."

Umm, yeah, like that piece of paper with small writing and no picture looks anything like the superhard plastic of a driver license. Easy to mix up.

It does lend credence to your theory that Mormons expect to be exempted from traffic laws.

lostinutah said...

"My driving is sophmoric, I mean bisophric"?

I have lived in Utah 18 months. I had the same thoughts myself about the drivers that you state, SML. I get cut off in my work's parking lot by my male LDS peers. 'Course, I'm a female and I'm taking some guys job, ya know?

JulieAnn said...

And the final bumper sticker for Utah.....(from me)

"Hang Up, Pull Your Garments Out Of Your Crack, and SLOW the FUCK down!"

lostinutah said...

Oh, I LIKE JulieAnn's. If you make bumper stickers I will buy one. I promise.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

SML... You should go to CafePress and start a line of bumper stickers. I'd buy 'em and stick 'em in a heart beat!

And, may I just say once again: YOU ROCK!!

Already Gone said...

I looked in the mirror and what did I see... a LDS mother f*&%er tailgaiting me!

LOVE the post!! still laughing!

Liseysmom said...

I drive like Jesus - I will ride your ass all the way to Jerusalem.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

You are all so fabulously funny! Thanks for playing along!!

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Oh How Lovely Was the Morning... Coffee!

I've done my good today, now move along!

So WAKE UP and do something more, like putting your foot in it!

Jesus might want you for a Sunbeam, but I want you to move your ass!

What part of merge don't you get?

You wanna hie to Kolob?! I'll hie you to Kolob!

And you think California drivers are bad?! Look in the mirror and see the truth!

Robert said...

I must say, I've never noticed Utah drivers when I've been there. It's probably because I grew up in Atlanta, which now has worse traffic problems than Los Angeles. In Atlanta, fifteen over is a minimum for safe driving, and don't bother getting in the left lanes if you want to move - everyone in Atlanta thinks "THIS IS MY LANE!" and tailgate like crazy in the left lane at the highest speed they can achieve.

That said, your reasons are definitely amusing as to what compels Utah drivers to act as they do.

A completely unrelated bumper sticker that goes with the thoughts you seem to have about them, though (which I recently saw in Florida): if you're going to ride my butt, at least you could pull my hair.

Maybe you could do one that says, "Back off, or I'll show you how I raise my arm to the square"

dartman113 said...

Well I'm not Mormon, never have been, never will be, but thought these might work~you decide.

"My blessing is bigger than yours"

"This van is carrying 8 future Gods, please drive carefully"

And these two I found and thought they were pretty good.

"Gordon B. Hinckley holds the keys! But will he unlock the door and let you out?"

"Family home evening? Try an orgy! Get the kids involved!"

Bishop Rick said...

Hmm, Utah Drivers.
They are certainly bad, but I hate to say that my experience is that the majority of the bad drivers in UT are women. I think it is due to being oppressed by the brethren at home.

And...5 miles over the limit? Are you kidding me? Try 5 miles under the limit by the centarian wannabes.

The Truth isn't anything, it just is.

Matt said...

Here are some of my suggestion for bumper stickers:

"Oh. I am sorry. You really ARE that stupid."

"Make my day. Just Fuck Off."

Pardon me but you DID say you were a Moron?"

Oh, shit. Not YOU again."

"Caution. I am being followed by a brain fog driver"

Joseph Smith screwed my ancestor. That's no reason for you to try to drive up my tail pipe"

lostinutah said...

Oh, now I finally come up with one that I like.

"Stick to your bicycle. It's safer for ME."

Melliferous Pants said...

"Will You Drive This Bad in the Celestial Kingdom?" is my absolute favorite!

Melliferous Pants said...

I'm more comfortable driving through LA during rush hour than anywhere in Utah. Serious douchebaggery occurs every second of the day on Utah highways and roads.

Jeremy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeremy said...

--Had a typo, repost:

"It's Okay, My Bishop Said I Could"

"I'm telling the Elder's Quorum President!"

"My Home Teachers took me to Wendover!"

"I'm not gay, I just like to dress my best."

"I pay an extra 2% to drive like this"

"My son is a Priest! (smaller print)Oh and my daughter did something neat too..."

Freckle Face Girl said...

Very creative post & oh so true. How about...

Onward Christian Soldiers Driving Like They’re At War