March 13, 2007

Why we REALLY don't hear about our Heavenly Mother

God sits in his private chambers, writing in his journal. He hears a sound and looks up to see his First Wife, Eloher, entering the room.

"Darling! Good morning. I trust you slept well?"

Her answer is a dark look in his direction as she sails past him with nose high and shoulders stiff.

"Whoa, do I sense some hostility this morning, my sweet little lotus blossom?"

"Don't you dare call me sweet little anything, Elohim! I'm spitting mad and you know it!"

"Why don't you tell me aaaaaaall about it. I'm used to hearing problems, you know. Come, sit here on my knee. What happened to your eye?"

She sits on his knee and begins to tell him what's wrong. "The other wives and I were talking last night, and they said that you were drafting some ideas for commandments to give to Moses on Earth for the betterment of our children. They were all excited that you are going to finally give them some direction regarding US."

"WHAT?!"

"What do you mean, WHAT? We've been wondering exactly when you were planning to mention the Heavenly Mothers to the children on Earth. So far they only know of you and Christ and Lucifer, but no mention of us at all! Don't you think it's about time?? I mean, we should be mentioned too! I mean, LUCIFER has more status than we do in the minds of our children. That hurts terribly. Anyway, we were discussing the best way for you to drop this info on them, and that's why I'm so mad."

"Tell me what was said."

"Well, I said that it's obvious that I be the one who gets mentioned, as I'm the honored First Wife, so I have higher status amongst the wives, therefore I should have higher status in the eyes of the children of men, right? It's only obvious. I mean, Jesus has higher status than Lucifer, so it stands to reason that I'd have status over the other wives. I mean, this isn't difficult to grasp. Anyway, when I said that, all Pergatory broke loose."

"What happened?"

"First Alaina threw a pillow at me, then someone screamed and pulled my hair from behind - I think that was Hagar, and suddenly I was scratched in the eyes by Eunice! I mean, I was SCRATCHED IN THE EYES! And it's ALL YOUR FAULT. If I hadn't run and locked myself in the bathroom, God knows, I mean you know what they might have done to me! I blame YOU For the night I spent sleeping in the bathtub." She pouts prettily at him for good measure.

"Now, Eloher...Don't blame this on me. You didn't have to fight with my other wives."

"I blame you because if you'd told the children on Earth about me in the beginning, this wouldn't be an issue now. Besides, I'm right this time, I just KNOW it! Those...those LESSER WOMEN think they should also be named! What else does being First Wife do for me if not this?? "

"Well...there's...you know...You get to say 'Yea or Nay' when I want to take on another wife..."

"So? Tell me what good it does me to say no, huh? You just point out that YOU ARE GOD and that YOU RULE and that your word is law and YOU PRESIDE OVER ME and therefore I must OBEY your every whim, no? Remember Lola? Remember how I really didn't want her as a co-wife? Well. You didn't let me say no then. And you should have SEEN her last night! She was vicious. She wanted blood, I tell you. Blood. She actually screamed at me that you'd name HER because of how good you two are together in bed! Holy Staircase to Heaven, I despise that woman! I bet it was SHE who slept with you last night, which is why you didn't even notice that I was in the bathtub! So..... Again, I ask what good does being First Wife do me at all, if not the honor of being mentioned to our children on Earth? Why should YOU get all the glory and fame?"

"I have withheld your name so the children of Earth would hold you most sacred above all else."

"What?! Are you kidding me?! How on YOUR GREEN EARTH can they hold me sacred if THEY'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF ME???"

God squirms a little in his chair. Eloher is secretly pleased to see this.

"I'm afraid the children will begin to use your name in vain, so that's why I have kept it secret. I'm protecting you, don't you see?"

"Protecting me. Hmmmm. Riiiiiiight. What about when they use your name to show awe or reverence over something deeply touching or beautiful? Don't you think those moments make the saying-it-in-vain stuff worth it? And what about when they pray to you and beg you for mercy and kindness and love and tell you how great you are? Why can't I get some of that?"

"Oh, no. That would never do. It's not in my plan for you. You're not designed to be able to handle such things. Your divine role is that of mother and wife to me. You are necessary to my master plan for all of our children."

"Exactly. So why don't you tell them about me, then? Maybe that would encourage more of them to strive harder to be with us again someday, hmmmmm? Don't you find ME a good example of what they should try to be like?"

"Enough, woman! Let me think on this. Go and do the thing which I have commanded you, which is to be pleasant to my other wives, and quit stewing over things that are not important."

Eloher gets up and walks away, convinced that he has finally seen the light.

God opens his journal and finishes the sentence he had started before Eloher interrupted him:

Note to self: Thou shalt not EVER mention your wives to the children on Earth - to avoid a Celestial Catfight to infinity...and beyond.

15 comments:

Cele said...

oh mi gosh too fabulous

kitten said...

Uhhhhhhh, God has wives...ok I didn't knw He had A wife singular, but plural???Ok, am I just not getting something here ....is this "just a story" ? Oy vey.

JulieAnn said...

God's second entry in the journal:
And tell Lola to keep her mouth shut!

Rachel said...

I should have known her name was Eloher....*banging head against desk*

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Kitten, the LDS religion teaches that we can become gods and goddesses, and become like God is. The religion also teaches that men may have multiple wives in the highest level of heaven, in fact it's part of the plan for happiness. So it's only obvious that it means God has multiple wives.

Julieann, I laughed out loud at your second journal entry! Love it.

Rachel, sorry about your head!

Cele, thanks!

Melliferous Pants said...

I am going to start saying Oh my Eloher instead of God...what a tool.

wry catcher said...

ELOHER DAMMIT!! That was damn funny. :-D

dartman113 said...

Well, I'm not the world's most physical guy,
but when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine
Oh my Lola, lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo Lola.

Is this the Lola to which you refer?

belaja said...

Oh, my goddess! Holy Staircase to Heaven!

I read the word "Eloher" and busted up laughing and didn't stop until the very end.

You, woman, are a fucking comedy GODDESS! (And those are the best kind.)

I bow in awe. (As they say in the Popeye cartoons: "Salami, salami, baloney.")

Ros said...

Comedy genius! Comedy genius! Better than a laxative!

supernova said...

You are too brilliant!

Hellmut said...

That's hillarious! Of course, if we were talking about multiple mothers in heaven then there would be one more justification for the privilege of the anointed.

Beulah said...

I bow to your comedic genius. Eloher. LOL!

Ros said...

SML: Thought this might amuse you. I got a hit on my blog the other day from the following google search:

Honey Smacks pee smell.

You are not the only one!

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Thanks for all the compliments, guys!

Dart, that's not the LOLA I was referring to, although....wouldn't it be classic if the other wives found out one of them was a GUY IN DISGUISE??? Never thought of that!

Ros, I feel validated. Thank you. And, I feel pleased that rather than GOOGLE SEARCH my hypothesis, I consulted a scientist instead. I feel way superior now.