February 23, 2007

If Joseph Smith had the Internet.....

Helen Mar Kimball sits on her bed, computer in her lap.
sweetiepie14 (online)

Suddenly a pop-up message appears on her computer screen: nastyboyJS wants to chat ~ ACCEPT/DENY ~ She accepts.

nastyboyJS: hi. got your address from heber.
sweetiepie14: my dad?? who is this?
nastyboyJS: brother joseph
sweetiepie14: oh! hi!!! wow!
nastyboy14: how RU?
sweetiepie14: ur a nastyboy???
nastyboyJS: j/k - a joke i made up LOL
sweetiepie14: lol
nastyboyJS: R u alone?
sweetiepie14: yes. why?
nastyboyJS: ur sweet
sweetiepie14: LOL
nastyboyJS: and pretty
sweetiepie14: lol
nastyboyJS: when ur dad talks 2 u tonite, listen 2 him
sweetiepie14: what RU talking about?
nastyboyJS: just remember i talk with god, K?
sweetiepie14: k
nastyboyJS: & god tells me what to say
sweetiepie14: k
nastyboyJS: ur perfect
sweetiepie14: ROFL - no
nastyboyJS: i saw you last week in your white dress
sweetiepie14: oh
nastyboyJS: you looked so pure and innocent
sweetiepie14: thx i think ur cute!
nastyboyJS: thats good. real good.
sweetiepie14: gotta help mom - ttyl
nastyboyJS: listen 2 ur dad - a commandment by God
sweetiepie14: k cya

Joseph Smith sits at his computer in a hidden location (for his safety).
fanny4U has signed in

nastyboyJS: hi F
fanny4U: hi lover
nastyboyJS: where RU?
fanny4U: @ ur house w/ Emma
nastyboyJS: WTF!
fanny4U: she asked me 2 help her
nastyboyJS: RU OK?
fanny4U: yes - we R BFF again
nastyboyJS: don't trust Emma!!
fanny4U: why?
nastyboyJS: get outa there now! don't say anything!
fanny4U: K - she's coming - brb
nastyboyJS: GET OUT NOW
fanny4U: xoxo ttfn
fanny4U has signed out

OrsonHide has signed in
ZinaBaby has signed in
elizaRsnow has signed in

OrsonHide: hi Joe
nastyboyJS: Orson! guess what?
OrsonHide: what?
nastyboyJS: ur going to jerusalem!
OrsonHide: WTF? A mission?
nastyboyJS: as revealed to me by god
OrsonHide: but what about Marinda?!
nastyboyJS: ur wife'll be taken care of. TRUST ME.
OrsonHide: i guess if god wills it.....
nastyboyJS: oh he does, he does.

nastyboyJS: Zina! Hi!
ZinaBaby: Hi
nastyboyJS: whatcha doin?
ZinaBaby: chatting w/ Henry
nastyboyJS: U should chat w/ me only
ZinaBaby: but he's my husband
nastyboyJS: about that.....
ZinaBaby: ?
nastyboyJS: I dont WANT plural marriage
ZinaBaby: I know, me neither! lol
nastyboyJS: BUT...
nastyboyJS: an angel came 2 me with flaming sword last nite. if i don't do this i'll lose my position and my life!
ZinaBaby: Wow! RU serious??
nastyboyJS: Lord made known to me UR 2B my celestial wife
ZinaBaby: i'll have to pray about this
nastyboyJS: good idea, then you'll know the truth i speak
ZinaBaby: what will Henry say if god wills it?
nastyboyJS: he follows god 2 - all will be well
ZinaBaby: i better go pray
nastyboyJS: lemme know asap
ZinaBaby: brb (praying)

elizaRsnow: hi babe
nastyboyJS: hi e
elizaRsnow: i wrote you another poem
nastyboyJS: kewl
elizaRsnow: inspired by last nite
nastyboyJS: u rawked my world! lol
elizaRsnow: i may be old, but i've got skilz LOL
nastyboyJS: can't wait to see poem
elizaRsnow: i can't believe emma didn't catch us!
nastyboyJS: we can't let that happen
elizaRsnow: i made ur bed this morning and thought of u
nastyboyJS: thx for helping emma at home
elizaRsnow: if it means i'm closer to u, then its all good
nastyboyJS: gotta run
elizaRsnow: luv u
elizaRsnow has signed out

OrsonHide: RU sure??? jerusalem is so far....
nastyboyJS: god wills it
OrsonHide: Y not Chicago?
nastyboyJS: god wills it
OrsonHide: Marinda is scared
nastyboyJS: i'll personally take care of her
OrsonHide: k...i guess if god wills it...
nastyboyJS: never fear u will be blessed
OrsonHide has signed out

EmmaHS has signed in
HeberC has signed in

HeberC: i talked 2 her like u said
nastyboyJS: and?
HeberC: she didn't want 2 @ 1st
nastyboyJS: did u tell her like i told you 2?
HeberC: yes - salvation 4 all of us if she will
nastyboyJS: and?
HeberC: i told her 2 think on it for 24 hrs
nastyboyJS: lemme know ASAP
HeberC: she's a good girl - she'll say yes
nastyboyJS: i hope so as god wills it
HeberC: i know - and i wanna be saved!
nastyboyJS: it depends
HeberC: gonna go talk 2 her again
nastyboyJS: u do that
HeberC has signed out

EmmaHS: hi babe
nastyboyJS: hi u sexy thang
EmmaHS: u know it!
nastyboyJS: gonna B gone 2nite
EmmaHS: not again! Y?
nastyboyJS: more of lords work
EmmaHS: :(
nastyboyJS: i may B gone 3 nites
EmmaHS: im not 2 happy
nastyboyJS: b strong
EmmaHS: its hard
nastyboyJS: ur my light, my life
EmmaHS: i know
nastyboyJS: god will bless u
EmmaHS: fanny was here
nastyboyJS: oh?
EmmaHS: we R friens again
nastyboyJS: b nice!
EmmaHS: Y should i?
nastyboyJS: i told you 2 thats Y
EmmaHS: u better stay away from her
nastyboyJS: of course lol
EmmaHS: im not lol
nastyboyJS: k i promise 2 stay away
EmmaHS: gotta run
nastyboyJS: luv u - cya in 3 days
EmmaHS: as u should
EmmaHS has signed out

sweetiepie14: u still here?
nastyboyJS: HI!!!
sweetiepie14: my dad told me
nastyboyJS: and?
sweetiepie14: Y do u want me??
nastyboyJS: god wills it
sweetiepie14: will it save my kindred?
nastyboyJS: oh yes - salvation for all
sweetiepie14: im scared
nastyboyJS: god will provide - ur a good daughter of god
sweetiepie14: if it will save my family.....
nastyboyJS: say yes and be saved
sweetiepie14: and my family 2 right?
nastyboyJS: its the only way
sweetiepie14: i guess i will then
nastyboyJS: ur a good girl
nastyboyJS: u will be saved now
nastyboyJS: 2morrow nite we will b sealed 4ever
sweetiepie14: 2morrow nite!
nastyboyJS: god says it has to be 2morrow nite
nastyboyJS: ill take good care of you my sweet
nastyboyJS: i promise u eternal salvation
sweetiepie14: im scared!
nastyboyJS: im a prophet of god - b not afraid
sweetiepie14: k i guess
nastyboyJS: follow the prophet and b saved
sweetiepie14: 4 my family
nastyboyJS: oh 1 more thing
sweetiepie14: ?
nastyboyJS: cant tell Emma - god said 2 keep us a secret
sweetiepie14: y?
nastyboyJS: its gods will u keep it secret 4 my safety
sweetiepie14: if god says so then k
nastyboyJS: i look forward 2 us 2morrow
sweetiepie14: cya
sweetiepie14 has signed out

ZinaBaby: back
nastyboyJS: did u pray?
ZinaBaby: yes
nastyboyJS: and?
ZinaBaby: i was told its true
nastyboyJS: came from god
ZinaBaby: this is hard
nastyboyJS: im not about 2 make that angel mad! r u?
ZinaBaby: but I luv henry
nastyboyJS: me 2 - but god wills it
ZinaBaby: henry knows god wills it
nastyboyJS: R u sure?
ZinaBaby: yes
nastyboyJS: k - i'll be there 2morrow a.m.
ZinaBaby: so soon?!
nastyboyJS: u didn't c that angel
ZinaBaby: k
nastyboyJS: i cant wait 2B sealed 2 u
ZinaBaby: god wills it
nastyboyJS: and im a prophet of god - follow me n b saved
ZinaBaby: k ttyl
nastyboyJS: oh - god said dont tell Emma
ZinaBaby: k i promise cya
ZinaBaby has signed out

Joseph logs out and prepares to depart.

38 comments:

belaja said...

ROTFLMAO!!!

This was so great, Lisa. Joe was a playa that's for sure. I can just imagine how he was working it in old Nauvoo. What a crazy place that must have been.

This was awesome. And kinda sad at the same time.

Sideon said...

BRILLIANT!

Historical cheating bastard in a modern day chatfest. Good ole Horny Joe. Of course, if this was modern day, the bastard would be in prison for being a stalker.

I L-O-V-E this post.

Christy said...

OH.MY.GOD.!!!

This post is FUCKING brilliant! I bow at your feet, I feel so unworthy to be in the same blogosphere as you!

dartman113 said...

Very Nice! Wouldn't the FBI love to rain on his parade since he was going after young girls! Should have inserted:
BSEG=Big S**T Eatin' Grin
STR8= Straight (refers to sex)
TPTB= The Powers That Be
;-)~ sexy tongue

Love the post and you.

Rebecca said...

Ugh, now I feel kind of sick.

Ros said...

WOW! That was something! Awesome!

Nom de Cypher said...

SML

LOLLERSK8TS

U R 1 sick Beyotch

;-)~

supernova said...

OMG! You are too good!

emerging from the ashes said...

OMG! That was so awesome! That's the best thing I've seen!

How did you learn all that im lingo anyway?

Dave Sigmann said...

That was great! Now you should write a scene in which Joe gets caught by "To Catch a Predator".

Anonymous said...

Joe has mad skillz!!!! He is teh roxxor with teh hotties!!!11!!!

Cele said...

Girl Friend that was classic.

Beulah said...

Awesome. I'll never be able to watch To Catch A Predator wiuthout imagining JS coming to the door!

Hellmut said...

That puts things into perspective, doesn't it?

Simeon's . . . Turning the Corner said...

Pure Genius!
That was one of the best parody pieces of all time. That was so awesome!

The Sinister Porpoise said...

I'm sorry but anyone who uses 'u' for 'you' can't possibly be a prophet of God.

I'm sensing the need to don spear and helmet and go have a chat with this NastyboyJS with "The Immigrant Song" playing in the backgroun.

Cele said...

Okay, I'm getting a mental image here of Sinister standing on a large rock silhouetted against a cloudy darkened sky, wearing a loin cloth with spear in hand, beating his chest and screaming, "Aaaaayyyyyeeeee, Aah-Aye. Aaaaayyyyyeeeee, Aah-Aye" To pounding drums and screaming guitar.

POMP1 said...

I'm not one for a lot of IM'ing, but that's some of the best instant messaging I've ever read. It just kept getting creepier and creepier...

Perhaps you could do a spin off of Joseph Smith meets that dude from ABC News/PrimeTime, who sets up sexual predators and then films them arriving to meet their underage target. Wouldn't that be quite the story?!!!

Needless to say, some of your best--and most frightening--writing to date. What triggered this?

Lemon Blossom said...

Wow, I never would have thought to do something like this. Pure genious!

MagicCicero said...

Outstanding! If it were real, no doubt in 150 years the apologists would be arguing that JS didn't have an Internet connection in his home or something.

Awesome, SML, just awesome.

solistics said...

Wow. It made me sick to my stomach rather than rotflol, but still, genious--pure genious.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Thanks for all the compliments, everyone. I had a lot of fun writing this one.

Pomp1 asked me what triggered this? I had been brewing the idea for a while, then in a chat with one of my friends, I mentioned it and we laughed and started to pretend what would be said by JS if he had IM capabilities...so. Thanks to my friend for helping me flesh the idea out better.

:)

JulieAnn said...

Oh my God, I laughed so hard I had chai coming out my nose (it happens a lot lately between you and Wanker)

This was priceless! (Wiping my eyes)

ja

Just one of many said...

LOVED IT!!
My, my, when put you put JS in a modern context he seems even hornier! I got the chills thinking he could have had many more babes if he would have had the use of convenient technology! *GAGGING*

Anonymous said...

First time I've been here to your blog. Having just left the church over this exact issue, I was saddened when I read the first few lines. But rather quickly, well.... I think this is the funniest, most hysterical parody I've ever read and if you don't send it somewhere to be published, it would be a SHAME!!!! I wanted to share it with all my family it is so funny. Unfortunately they remain 'true to the faith'.

mark said...

Pretty darn effing funny Sista Mary. Yes indeed, Joseph Fucking Smith was the Hugh Hefner of his day. Only Hugh never screwed minors like Good Brother Joseph Fucking Smith did. I have calculated that Joseph Fucking Smith had thousands of sexual encounters with girls as young as twelve. As Joseph used to say, "Bring em Young", "Bring em Young."

Liseysmom said...

I just read this for the 3rd time and I'm still laughing!!!

Eight Hour Lunch said...

Too funny (and a little creepy). Nice work!

The Sacred Sister said...

SML,
I just discovered your blog... it's so nice to find an exmo with some personality! I guess I will have to dig around to find some fellow exmormons with comparable views; by the looks of these comments, there are more than I thought. :)
I LOVE the Joseph chat session!! Keep up the good work. I'll be back!
A fellow exmo,
Caryn

Anonymous said...

I absolutely loved it. Fucking great stuff!!!!

Anonymous said...

Holy crap... this really puts things into perspective.

-CaliforniaKid

Anonymous said...

You're a genius! Rock on!

We demand more...more more MORE!

Bond
Dr. Shades Board

Corn Child said...

SML, LOL!!!

That was hilarious.

Emily Pearson said...

OMG - I may never stop laughing. I think I just fell in love with you!!!

CV Rick said...

I have never read a better J.S. parody. Wow, that's simply brilliant. I'm linking it to my blog with an excerpt if you don't mind.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Thanks, everyone! I appreciate your support! CV Rick, I'd appreciate the link. Thanks!

Galatian said...

I was laughing reading this. Because it's really so true. Disturbing, sad, sickening ... but oddly realistic. Minus the IM lingo and computer, you can bet that's how it was!

I'm definitely going to add a link to this post!

Dr. Shades said...

Best damn Joseph Smith parody EVER!