If Joseph Smith had the Internet.....

Helen Mar Kimball sits on her bed, computer in her lap.
sweetiepie14 (online)

Suddenly a pop-up message appears on her computer screen: nastyboyJS wants to chat ~ ACCEPT/DENY ~ She accepts.

nastyboyJS: hi. got your address from heber.
sweetiepie14: my dad?? who is this?
nastyboyJS: brother joseph
sweetiepie14: oh! hi!!! wow!
nastyboy14: how RU?
sweetiepie14: ur a nastyboy???
nastyboyJS: j/k - a joke i made up LOL
sweetiepie14: lol
nastyboyJS: R u alone?
sweetiepie14: yes. why?
nastyboyJS: ur sweet
sweetiepie14: LOL
nastyboyJS: and pretty
sweetiepie14: lol
nastyboyJS: when ur dad talks 2 u tonite, listen 2 him
sweetiepie14: what RU talking about?
nastyboyJS: just remember i talk with god, K?
sweetiepie14: k
nastyboyJS: & god tells me what to say
sweetiepie14: k
nastyboyJS: ur perfect
sweetiepie14: ROFL - no
nastyboyJS: i saw you last week in your white dress
sweetiepie14: oh
nastyboyJS: you looked so pure and innocent
sweetiepie14: thx i think ur cute!
nastyboyJS: thats good. real good.
sweetiepie14: gotta help mom - ttyl
nastyboyJS: listen 2 ur dad - a commandment by God
sweetiepie14: k cya

Joseph Smith sits at his computer in a hidden location (for his safety).
fanny4U has signed in

nastyboyJS: hi F
fanny4U: hi lover
nastyboyJS: where RU?
fanny4U: @ ur house w/ Emma
nastyboyJS: WTF!
fanny4U: she asked me 2 help her
nastyboyJS: RU OK?
fanny4U: yes - we R BFF again
nastyboyJS: don't trust Emma!!
fanny4U: why?
nastyboyJS: get outa there now! don't say anything!
fanny4U: K - she's coming - brb
nastyboyJS: GET OUT NOW
fanny4U: xoxo ttfn
fanny4U has signed out

OrsonHide has signed in
ZinaBaby has signed in
elizaRsnow has signed in

OrsonHide: hi Joe
nastyboyJS: Orson! guess what?
OrsonHide: what?
nastyboyJS: ur going to jerusalem!
OrsonHide: WTF? A mission?
nastyboyJS: as revealed to me by god
OrsonHide: but what about Marinda?!
nastyboyJS: ur wife'll be taken care of. TRUST ME.
OrsonHide: i guess if god wills it.....
nastyboyJS: oh he does, he does.

nastyboyJS: Zina! Hi!
ZinaBaby: Hi
nastyboyJS: whatcha doin?
ZinaBaby: chatting w/ Henry
nastyboyJS: U should chat w/ me only
ZinaBaby: but he's my husband
nastyboyJS: about that.....
ZinaBaby: ?
nastyboyJS: I dont WANT plural marriage
ZinaBaby: I know, me neither! lol
nastyboyJS: BUT...
nastyboyJS: an angel came 2 me with flaming sword last nite. if i don't do this i'll lose my position and my life!
ZinaBaby: Wow! RU serious??
nastyboyJS: Lord made known to me UR 2B my celestial wife
ZinaBaby: i'll have to pray about this
nastyboyJS: good idea, then you'll know the truth i speak
ZinaBaby: what will Henry say if god wills it?
nastyboyJS: he follows god 2 - all will be well
ZinaBaby: i better go pray
nastyboyJS: lemme know asap
ZinaBaby: brb (praying)

elizaRsnow: hi babe
nastyboyJS: hi e
elizaRsnow: i wrote you another poem
nastyboyJS: kewl
elizaRsnow: inspired by last nite
nastyboyJS: u rawked my world! lol
elizaRsnow: i may be old, but i've got skilz LOL
nastyboyJS: can't wait to see poem
elizaRsnow: i can't believe emma didn't catch us!
nastyboyJS: we can't let that happen
elizaRsnow: i made ur bed this morning and thought of u
nastyboyJS: thx for helping emma at home
elizaRsnow: if it means i'm closer to u, then its all good
nastyboyJS: gotta run
elizaRsnow: luv u
elizaRsnow has signed out

OrsonHide: RU sure??? jerusalem is so far....
nastyboyJS: god wills it
OrsonHide: Y not Chicago?
nastyboyJS: god wills it
OrsonHide: Marinda is scared
nastyboyJS: i'll personally take care of her
OrsonHide: k...i guess if god wills it...
nastyboyJS: never fear u will be blessed
OrsonHide has signed out

EmmaHS has signed in
HeberC has signed in

HeberC: i talked 2 her like u said
nastyboyJS: and?
HeberC: she didn't want 2 @ 1st
nastyboyJS: did u tell her like i told you 2?
HeberC: yes - salvation 4 all of us if she will
nastyboyJS: and?
HeberC: i told her 2 think on it for 24 hrs
nastyboyJS: lemme know ASAP
HeberC: she's a good girl - she'll say yes
nastyboyJS: i hope so as god wills it
HeberC: i know - and i wanna be saved!
nastyboyJS: it depends
HeberC: gonna go talk 2 her again
nastyboyJS: u do that
HeberC has signed out

EmmaHS: hi babe
nastyboyJS: hi u sexy thang
EmmaHS: u know it!
nastyboyJS: gonna B gone 2nite
EmmaHS: not again! Y?
nastyboyJS: more of lords work
EmmaHS: :(
nastyboyJS: i may B gone 3 nites
EmmaHS: im not 2 happy
nastyboyJS: b strong
EmmaHS: its hard
nastyboyJS: ur my light, my life
EmmaHS: i know
nastyboyJS: god will bless u
EmmaHS: fanny was here
nastyboyJS: oh?
EmmaHS: we R friens again
nastyboyJS: b nice!
EmmaHS: Y should i?
nastyboyJS: i told you 2 thats Y
EmmaHS: u better stay away from her
nastyboyJS: of course lol
EmmaHS: im not lol
nastyboyJS: k i promise 2 stay away
EmmaHS: gotta run
nastyboyJS: luv u - cya in 3 days
EmmaHS: as u should
EmmaHS has signed out

sweetiepie14: u still here?
nastyboyJS: HI!!!
sweetiepie14: my dad told me
nastyboyJS: and?
sweetiepie14: Y do u want me??
nastyboyJS: god wills it
sweetiepie14: will it save my kindred?
nastyboyJS: oh yes - salvation for all
sweetiepie14: im scared
nastyboyJS: god will provide - ur a good daughter of god
sweetiepie14: if it will save my family.....
nastyboyJS: say yes and be saved
sweetiepie14: and my family 2 right?
nastyboyJS: its the only way
sweetiepie14: i guess i will then
nastyboyJS: ur a good girl
nastyboyJS: u will be saved now
nastyboyJS: 2morrow nite we will b sealed 4ever
sweetiepie14: 2morrow nite!
nastyboyJS: god says it has to be 2morrow nite
nastyboyJS: ill take good care of you my sweet
nastyboyJS: i promise u eternal salvation
sweetiepie14: im scared!
nastyboyJS: im a prophet of god - b not afraid
sweetiepie14: k i guess
nastyboyJS: follow the prophet and b saved
sweetiepie14: 4 my family
nastyboyJS: oh 1 more thing
sweetiepie14: ?
nastyboyJS: cant tell Emma - god said 2 keep us a secret
sweetiepie14: y?
nastyboyJS: its gods will u keep it secret 4 my safety
sweetiepie14: if god says so then k
nastyboyJS: i look forward 2 us 2morrow
sweetiepie14: cya
sweetiepie14 has signed out

ZinaBaby: back
nastyboyJS: did u pray?
ZinaBaby: yes
nastyboyJS: and?
ZinaBaby: i was told its true
nastyboyJS: came from god
ZinaBaby: this is hard
nastyboyJS: im not about 2 make that angel mad! r u?
ZinaBaby: but I luv henry
nastyboyJS: me 2 - but god wills it
ZinaBaby: henry knows god wills it
nastyboyJS: R u sure?
ZinaBaby: yes
nastyboyJS: k - i'll be there 2morrow a.m.
ZinaBaby: so soon?!
nastyboyJS: u didn't c that angel
ZinaBaby: k
nastyboyJS: i cant wait 2B sealed 2 u
ZinaBaby: god wills it
nastyboyJS: and im a prophet of god - follow me n b saved
ZinaBaby: k ttyl
nastyboyJS: oh - god said dont tell Emma
ZinaBaby: k i promise cya
ZinaBaby has signed out

Joseph logs out and prepares to depart.

As Overheard at the Grocery Store

I walked out of the grocery store yesterday behind two elderly women, probably in their seventies or eighties. Just outside the doors stood two stop signs for both directions of parking lot traffic, and a car had stopped right in front of the women, halfway into the stripes of the cross walk. I could hear their conversation as I walked around them toward my car.

"I would have hit that car with my cart if I were you, Betty. They don't wanna stop, then they deserve to be rammed."

"I wish I had. They never think they have to stop, do they?"

"Next time, why don't you just ram them?"

"It's totally deserved. I will."

. . . . .

A NOTE TO ALL WHO KNOW ME:

If I become like them in my old age, just take me out back and put me out of your misery, OK?

Sideon's Story Rocks

I've really been enjoying the story Sideon is writing and feeding us in small increments. What an awesome writer!!

If you haven't checked out Season of Truth, read it here:

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part V
Part VI
Part VII

Great job so far, Sid! I hope that others will go over, read your stuff, and convince you like I haven't been able to that you need to do at least 50 installments of this story. I hate it when a good story ends.

My dad is here

Well, my dad finally decided to visit us for Christmas this weekend. You may remember that he had planned to come up to visit over Christmas, but I told him in an e-mail before he came that I no longer believed the church was true, so he decided not to visit for Christmas as planned.

Today is the first I've seen him or talked to him since my e-mail to him before Christmas. Twice since then I've e-mailed him greetings and asked him if he'd like to discuss my disillusionment with the church, but he never even responded to my e-mails.

Tonight, we exchanged Christmas gifts and he saved the best for last...I looked over and he was holding up a DVD or game, I couldn't tell which since he was across the room. I smiled and asked him to throw it to me...it was a 3-DVD copy of the 176th Annual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I kept the smile on my face and said, "Oh....nice."

"Actually, that's for your sister. I've actually been holding copies of this for each of you since before you RUINED CHRISTMAS FOR ME." I handed the movie to my sister who was beside me on my couch and looked at my dad.

"It was not my intention to ruin Christmas for you, Dad." I said this calmly and clearly.

"The second DVD has footage of me singing in the Priesthood Session of Conference with the men's choir from Brigham City. I had hoped to watch it with you."

"Sure thing, put it in and we'll watch it."

We sat through three hymns before the final song where he is visible near the end twice when the camera pans over them slowly. We had a tense moment when he got upset that my dog barked in the middle of this "spiritual moment," and when he told my dog to keep it quiet, I got to experience again that awful voice he gets when he speaks with teeth clenched in utter controlling, uptight anger. I hate that voice.

They ended up leaving with the DVD of Conference, and I didn't get one. I'm kind of surprised he didn't want to leave one for us.

The choir sang beautifully. We only made fun of a couple of the singers for enunciating so dramatically that it warranted an instant replay or two for laughs. Was that dude yawning or was he just singing?! When I saw my dad on the screen, I made sure to tell him how handsome he looked, and I complimented him on how well they sang, and asked him questions to let him know I was interested in his accomplishment and joy in singing at such a prestigious [to him] event.

Interestingly, the Priesthood Session my dad sang at was the one that had a couple of talks that I thought were highly...how shall I word this?...DISGUSTING.

One was by D. Todd Christofferson who spoke about his dad who saved up for a year in order to buy his wife an ironing machine, because she had had cancer surgery that removed much of the tissue in her neck and shoulder, causing her extreme pain when she used her right arm. He took her to the store to buy the machine, and she asked how he could afford such a thing. He told her he'd been saving lunch money for almost a year in order to do this for her.

"Now when you iron" he said "you won't have to stop and go into the bedroom and cry until the pain in your arm stops." She didn't know he knew about that. I was not aware of of my father's sacrifice and act of love for my mother at the time, but now that I know I say to myself, "There is a man."

Um....yeah. It's a real big man who makes his wife CONTINUE TO PAINFULLY IRON FOR A YEAR in a household with five boys, letting her cry in pain each time, without offering to do it himself instead. What a "sacrifice."

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

The other talk was given by our very own prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley. It was the one in which he said,

"It is plainly evident from these statistics that young women are exceeding young men in pursuing educational programs. And so I say to you young men, rise up and discipline yourself to take advantage of educational opportunities. Do you wish to marry a girl whose education has been far superior to your own? We speak of being "equally yoked." That applies, I think, to the matter of education."

Niiiiiice. I'm not even going to grace this dumbass comment with a response.

Maybe it's a good thing Dad didn't gift me that DVD set after all.

One thing that kept me smiling during the hymns: my non-member brother-in-law kept playing with and laughing at the rubber chicken Dad gave my son for Christmas.

YOU HAVEN'T LIVED UNTIL YOU'VE SEEN MY DAD LOSE HIS LIPS OVER SUCH FOOLISHNESS.

My Patriarchal Blessing

For those of my readers who are unfamiliar with the LDS or Mormon Church, I went to the LDS.org website to find an easy description of what a patriarchal blessing is, before I write about mine:

"Patriarchal Blessings are given to worthy members of the Church by ordained patriarchs. Patriarchal blessings include a declaration of a person's lineage in the house of Israel and contain personal counsel from the Lord. As a person studies his or her patriarchal blessing and follows the counsel it contains, it will provide guidance, comfort, and protection.

Declaration of Lineage

A patriarchal blessing includes a declaration of lineage, stating that the person is of the house of Israel—a descendant of Abraham, belonging to a specific tribe of Jacob. Many Latter-day Saints are of the tribe of Ephraim, the tribe given the primary responsibility to lead the latter-day work of the Lord.

Because each of us has many bloodlines running in us, two members of the same family may be declared as being of different tribes in Israel.

It does not matter if a person's lineage in the house of Israel is through bloodlines or by adoption. Church members are counted as a descendant of Abraham and an heir to all the promises and blessings contained in the Abrahamic covenant (see Abrahamic Covenant).

Learning from a Patriarchal Blessing

Those who have received a patriarchal blessing should read it humbly, prayerfully, and frequently. It contains personal revelation and instructions from Heavenly Father, who knows our strengths, weaknesses, and eternal potential. Patriarchal blessings may contain promises, admonitions, and warnings.

Those who follow the counsel in their patriarchal blessing will be less likely to go astray or be misled. Only by following the counsel in a patriarchal blessing can one receive the blessings contained therein."

When I was 17, I felt like I was ready to receive my patriarchal blessing. I had an interview with my bishop, who agreed I was ready, so I contacted the stake patriarch to schedule this. I fasted for an entire day before, in an effort to allow the holy spirit to be with me, and was assured the patriarch does the same. I felt this was very important, as I was certain mine would be a personal sneak preview into my very future!

For those who question what "Declaration of Lineage" means, this is very similar to the special hat on Harry Potter ~ you know the one ~ the talking hat that was set on each new student's head to determine which house he or she belonged to. When Harry Potter sat there wishing and hoping that his house would be Gryffindor and not Slytherin, that's what I felt like as I held my breath during my blessing. The patriarch's hands were on my head and he was speaking words from God's mouth straight to me. Not surprisingly, I was placed in the house of...I mean I was told "You come through the loins and lineage of Ephraim...by coming through this great lineage, you have many responsibilities. You are to do all in your power to help to prepare the people of this earth of all wickedness and unrighteousness."

Wow. Sounds like a ton of work to me. Which, I think, is precisely the point. The church leaders NEED most of the members to be of this tribe. Duh.

Then came the personal blessings. Yessssss! This was what I had fasted for. This was for ME.

"I bless you that all of the organs in your body will function properly, that you will be a healthy person, that you will be able to provide bodies for those special spirits who are yet to come, that you will be a mother in Israel."

Wonder why he didn't mention that this would first happen to me AT BYU? Healthy organs indeed.

"I bless you with courage, and strength to be able to turn your back on Satan and His workers. I bless you with the power of descernment to know who these people are, those who would glory in your down fall in the church."

Having so many typos bothered me a lot when I first received my blessing in writing. I mean, they CAPITALIZED the H on "His" when referring to SATAN!!! This can't be right! And spell discernment right! I discern that the poor wife of the patriarch was not great at English. And obviously I glory in those who are reading this, glorying in my downfall in the church. Hi, guys!

"Dear Lisa, you are a beautiful woman, so I bless you with the courage and strength to live as you know you should."

Um...yeah. What he said.

"I bless you to understand that the essence of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is happiness and joy, and that the crowning test of the Gospel is sacrifice and service to others. So, by giving of your time, talants, and your means, you will receive this happiness and joy that we all so much want and need."

Oh, I gave, all right. Time, talents (had no talants, sorry), and my means. I found much greater happiness the minute I stepped away from so much giving, to be completely honest.

"Our Heavenly Father is pleased with you for the desires you have in your heart to serve Him. I bless you to accept callings in the church so that you can grow and mature in the teachings of this great plan of the Gospel."

There it is! Now my husband finally knows why I never once said no when they gave me a calling. It was my personal divine directive that made me do it!

"I bless you with the spirit of Elyjah, so that you can help to open the doors for your righteous ancestors who are dead, so that they can progress back to the presence of our Heavenly Father. I bless you that you will not be content with some of the records that you see. Do not hold back."

HOLY CRAP! I knew this message was meant for me alone, just from that last line! My favorite saying at the time happened to be 'Don't hold back!'...I said it all the time to my friends and family. But notice the damn line that haunted me my whole life, and guaranteed I'd never step foot in a genealogy library..."you will not be content with some of the records that you see." In one moment he effectively quashed any previous desire I may have had to do genealogy. Do you have any idea what kind of lifelong pressure that line gave me??? I couldn't be content with ANY records once I knew there were going to be some I SHOULDN'T be content with.

"I bless you to share the talants you have with others because you have been blessed with a great abundance of love and compassion in your heart for others."

Yep. I must admit he got this one spot on. I have an abundance of love and compassion in my heart for others. You all know who you are.

"I bless you to share the knowledge that you have and bring others to the understanding of this great Gospel, this great plan."

Oh yes. I'd LOVE TO TELL YOU MY UNDERSTANDING OF THE GOSPEL. Read my blog and find out lots more.

"I seal these blessings on you with all of the power and authority in me vested as a patriarch in the church, and in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

Aaaaaaahhhh-mennnnnnnnnnn.

If you can't beat 'em.....

Well, I never thought I'd see this day...

My husband has decided to join the party here in the blogosphere. Feel free to pop over to his blog and give him a welcome. Show him who I've been spending all my free time with lately. I introduced him to many of the blogs I frequent and he finally saw why I might enjoy this thing called blogging.

Welcome, Dartman.

Theorizing at the Movies

I arrive at the theater with just over half an hour left until our movie is scheduled to start. This should be plenty of time to get snacks and be in my seat before anything happens. I consider the previews a valuable part of the movie experience, in order to see what movies are coming soon.

After buying the tickets, I enter the vast lobby. There are snack counters on either side. I do what I always do: I stare intently at each clerk behind the counter, judging for intelligence and speed from their appearance alone. Don't judge me ~ this is VITAL. Each clerk has a line of at least 20 movie-goers. I've spotted the one I hope is the best. I get in line.

After waiting five full minutes, I notice that I'm still standing next to the potted plant I stood beside as I got in line. I haven't moved. I shift my weight onto my other foot and resist the urge to tap my foot. I'm taller than the people in front of me so I have a clear view of all the people behind the counter. Soon I find myself doing what I love best: people watching while speculating what their lives are like. Actually, this time I'm speculating about how on earth these people got hired in the first place, and, more importantly, how they've kept their jobs being this slow. It boggles the mind.

Suddenly we move forward in line about 12 inches. Progress! I struggle to remember what my family wants for snacks since I sent them inside to get good seats a long time ago. It's a valid worry. I chant the list of treats in my head like a mantra, trying hard not to do it out loud, or silently move my lips to give the other people in lines beside me the idea that I'm crazy. Which may be debatable considering that I've been standing in a line for 10 minutes without moving more than 12 inches.

A child around 10 years old comes and stands right beside me and the woman in front of me. She and I look at that girl, then at each other, and suddenly the woman in front of me looks at the girl and motions that the back of the line is way back there. Sorry. The girl looks back (I'm frankly not sure she could even see that far away) and walks away, probably looking for someone a little easier to cut in front of.

The woman looks at me and says, "I'm not usually like that, but my movie starts in five minutes, and I'm worried. Have you ever SEEN people work so slow in your life?"

"No. I was standing here thinking that I could work CIRCLES around these people....not that I'd really want that job..." She smiled and we got back to the serious business of waiting.

I found myself looking at the backs of those in front of me, hoping that they were a huge family of adults out together, and that they were buying one large popcorn and large pop to split between them, so that our line would miraculously disappear in one order. It's amazing what kind of deluded thoughts run through my mind when I've been idle for that long, wishing and waiting.

I realize that these employees are the same no matter which theater I go to, across town or across the country. Theater snack counter workers are all the same. My thoughts veer toward what I'd have been like as a teen (since they were all teens) if I had become a theater worker instead of a bagger at a grocery store. I think I'd still have worked circles around them. There is no sense of urgency whatsoever. There's a full popcorn machine, yet they are working as if it is imperative for the lines to wait as long as possible. I don't think I could work that slow if I were TRYING to work that slow. Then it occurs to me: That MUST be what they are doing! It's INTENTIONAL!

I stand there furiously trying to work out why this would be so. But apparently it is. Look at them the next time you are standing in your line at the movies. They are TRYING to be that slow. The big question is WHY?

Obviously they have worked out a comfortable niche for themselves. They are needed, actually vital to the theater in a big way. They already recognize that they will be paid the same if they bust ass or if they take their sweet time. So why work your tail off if you don't have to?

Some of them, if you look closely, get a sadistic thrill in making others wait and having such power over them. Usually he (or she) is the one who is the most nerdy-looking and unkept of the group. He may have discovered this is the only outlet he has for feeling power, when all other avenues of his life prove to him that he has none. This is the kind of look you should watch for and avoid when you make your first initial assessment over which line to get in. Should you happen to actually find yourself in the sadist's line, do not, I repeat: DO NOT give him the satisfaction of showing him he made you late for your movie. You will only be rewarding him. He LOVES making people mad.

I move forward another step.

I think about what would happen if a person with a sense of urgency and work ethic ever found himself employed at a theater. What would happen? Would he become theater manager within a month? Maybe. Or...more likely, the other workers would teach him. Picture him coming out of the bathroom stall during the hours before movie time when they are at work preparing for the customers. He steps out to find all his co-workers in a big circle around his stall ~ he is surrounded. He wants to run back in the stall and lock himself in, but he knows he'd just be delaying the inevitable. So he asks, "What do you want?" (He is proud his voice only squeaked once.)

"Listen, buddy, to how it's gonna be from now on. How it's GOTTA be from now on. We have seen how much harder than us you've been working. It's makin' us look bad, see, and we can't have that, now, can we?"

When he doesn't answer quickly enough, the entire circle of guys step forward and sneer. He shakes his head no really fast.

"We wouldn't want to make your life hell here, would we? We knew you'd understand. We're really glad we had this little talk." The group stands close for a moment before breaking up and walking away. The poor employee stands there shaking, wondering how this happened. But he needs this job and isn't about to question their plan.

This is why the movie theater industry has identically slow employees worldwide. The good ones are beaten down so the bad ones can thrive. It's the only possible answer.

It is finally my turn. What was I supposed to order again?

PICK A SUBJECT

I've had some ideas floating in my mind for blog posts...I decided to list them and you can vote on which you'd like me to write about the most:

1. Thoughts on my patriarchal blessing and doing genealogy
2. Why I went to prom with my girlfriend and two special-ed kids
3. My first crush in high school and how I handled it
4. My most embarrassing moment as a majorette in high school
5. My theory on people who work the snack counters in movie theaters
6. Post more images of my finished artwork
7. Why T.Wanker needs more heterosexual males commenting on his blog

I could maybe think up more, but already I've taxed myself. This is enough for now. Feel free to tell me what you'd like most to hear about, if any.

aka Madre

When you grow up in a family with 7 kids, you tend to learn certain things that other people (translate: those with only a sibling or two) never need to know.

1. Take all the food you want when you first fill your plate at a meal. There will be no second helpings available.

2. You must hurry in the bathroom if you want any privacy at all. Someone will need to use the bathroom before you are finished (doing whatever), guaranteed. There is something not right about hearing human breathing and scratching from the other side of the door while you try to take care of business.

3. If you go out to eat as a family in a restaurant (which may also include McDonald's, Taco Bell, or Wendy's), expect to be openly and obviously counted. It's fun to smile into people's pointing fingers and dropped jaws. It's especially rewarding to hear brave souls ask, "Are they ALL YOURS???" Duh. Can't you tell we all have the same nose and the same tallishly handsome good looks?

4. Cookies, the ones round and small and delightful, are only baked once every other year. It's just too damn difficult to roll 8 dozen cookies into balls first. Cookie dough is just as satisfying and delicious as baked cookies, so you may as well skip the labor part and get right to the enjoying. If you bake the cookies, they will most often be cooked in pan form, like brownies, and cut into squares for your eating enjoyment.

5. Mothers of 7 kids quit hearing the word "Mom" years before they should, simply because they hear it so often it becomes static background noise that is easily tuned out. That's why I had to invent new names for my mom that she would actually hear and respond to. "Mom" became "Madre" which later shortened into just plain "Mod" (or "Maude" may be a better way to spell it...I can't exactly spell it "MAD", can I?). Hence the reason her comments here will come from "aka Madre."

6. If something is particularly important, all kids who grow up with that many siblings learn how to perfect their own DAMIEN VOICE. This is the voice that not only gets your mom to actually hear you, but it also has the pleasing side effect of making your younger siblings think that you have powers within you that cause Satan himself to tremble in fear.

A person who knows how to wield this power is set for life.

Right, Eric?

Oh! Hi, Mom!

This post is to welcome my mom to my blog. I imagine you'll have a lot of reading to do, now that you've discovered it!

You may be wondering why I never told you of this blog I keep. I started it originally to sort through my feelings about my discovery that the Mormon church isn't true, and then quickly I realized how enjoyable I find writing (something which may shock you, considering how much help from you I needed when writing papers in high school) and how it enables me to go back and touch on memories and feelings I don't often look at. In the beginning I thought it may be wise to keep the knowledge of this blog from my parents, in case I ever felt a need to rant or reminisce about painful subjects from childhood.

But, actually, I find I'm very glad you know of it finally. And you'll see that I haven't actually ranted or said anything bad about you thus far in this blog. This may be because I love you dearly, and find you one of my biggest blessings in this life.

You are the woman who kept me sane through childhood. You have continually given me acceptance, love, support, and understanding throughout my life. I love you with all my heart. You are a beautiful woman, and a pleasure to be with, and I look forward to interacting with you here. I can't wait to introduce you to all my blog friends!

Don't forget to look at the comments people left when you read my archived posts...some will be from the siblings and are hilariously funny. I hope you will feel free to leave comments too. (A lot of my comments got switched to "anonymous" when I switched to Blogger Beta, so unfortunately you won't know who some of my comments came from....)

Anyway, a big, warm welcome to Mom from SML. I love you!

PS ~ if you become an addict to blogging like I am, don't blame me.

PPS ~ I asked the siblings to keep quiet about my blog, so don't be mad at them, OK?