March 26, 2009

Life in Flux - Part 1

I've been so busy lately with numerous things that have taken me away from my blogging, and despite all my good intentions, I haven't been able to find the time to update my blog to explain it all. I have a few minutes to start writing out my thoughts, and I wish I could get into great detail but I know that it's late and I'm tired so it'll be fast, and in multiple posts, I'm sure.

Leaving Mormonism was the first big Life Change that started me on the road to finally, for the very first time that I can recall, dipping my oars into the water and steering my own ship. Always before, I felt like a leaf on a river, floating along wherever I was taken. In retrospect, I don't think I ever even felt I had the right to steer my own path. I grew up with a very controlling and emotionally abusive father, who hardly encouraged me or my siblings to be autonomous, independent, and confident in ourselves. I also was raised in a very restrictive religion, where a woman's "righteous" path is spelled out for her from childhood to death. Then, after getting pregnant out of wedlock at BYU, I married a man who was 8 years older than me, who seemed to be similar to what I was used to dealing with: someone who also had a need to be in full control.

Starting my blog was key to this change in me. I felt for the first time in a very long time that I had a voice...something valid to say. Re-thinking my place in this world beyond the constraints of the Mormon path--reviewing my "only worthy purpose" given by God himself to be a mother in Zion--I found myself staring hard at my life and realizing there was much I needed to change if I wanted to have true happiness.

So I began the very difficult process of determining for myself, for the first time since I was married at age 21, exactly what I wanted for my life. I knew that I wasn't happy and that I needed some serious changes in my life. I realized that I was not being true to myself, and thus was not giving my children the example I wanted them to have of a mother who is strong, autonomous, and deserving of being treated well. I finally allowed myself to admit that I was enduring unnecessary pain simply because I was used to it and had a high tolerance for it.


hm-uk said...

You are incredible, SML. Your children are lucky to have you as a mother and I hope, with every ounce of hope I can provide, that you will keep going and settle for nothing less than what is good for you.

You deserve nothing less than to be your own person and you'll always have the support of the Paris Crew, I'm sure.


Anonymous said...

Word to what aitch says.

- wry

foundinidaho said...

SML, without the Mormon aspect, your journey is sounding a bit like one of my own. Looking forward to reading more. And glad you are HAPPY.

Cele said...

SML my heart goes out to you insupport of doing what is best for you and your children. Decisions that are life altering are hard, weigh a ton, and can only be carried by you. On the other hand you and your children deserve nothing less. While friendship doesn't help carry the load, I hope it helps illuminate the dark times.

Okay how is this for a word verification....

dogingsm - I'm not even going to give it a definition.

Aerin said...

Best of luck to you SML on your journey!

mark said...

I know you are on the right road. Sometimes life just has to be "lived." It takes a while to find out what works and what doesnt work. I like your independent thinking and the fact that you are willing to take risks. No risk - No reward. You have been one of my favorite blog friends and I wish you nothing but happiness and contentment. You deserve good things to happen in your life. Kepp us posted.

LivingWithMormons said...


I'm glad I came across your blog. Like many others, it seems you share a similar story by leaving Mormonism.

Let me assure you that your decision can lead you to a very fulfilling, satisfying, sincere, and intellectually honest life.

Please check out my blog where I started discussing my living with Mormons after I left the Church.

My wife is still an active member and we have 2 beautiful children together, so religion is always an interesting topic in our house.


Bull said...

Good luck

Anonymous said...

Just saying hi!

Future Mama said...

Good for you are speaking your mind
girl! It's nice to be able to have a place to vent huh?

This is my first time visiting! I just voted for you on Blogger's Choice '09, that's what brought me over here. Good luck!

Not to spam you or anything, but if you get a chance, I'm up in the Best Parenting Blog Category and I'd love your vote! Thanks so much!

JulieOShields said...

I have enjoyed your blog a great deal. I have enjoyed getting to know you, and hope we can stay in touch. I haven't ever been a steady reader or writer of blogs because I get busy and forget.
I know you have gone through so much and I want you to know how strong we all think you are! You are an incredible lady and friend!
Love you!

Bishop Rick said...

SML, fill us in when you can.

Cele, I can only come up with 2 definitions...1 good, 1 not so good.

I'm going with the good one.

Lucid Dreamer said...

Hang with it. It gets better all the time. I left the Mormons in the mid 80's, after being raised in it, doing a mission, marrying in the temple. My life would have been boring flux, had I not made that move back then. Since then, I have enjoyed a feeling of authenticity that I knew in mind controlling religion. It was a prison for me. Freedom tastes delicious.