I've been so busy lately with numerous things that have taken me away from my blogging, and despite all my good intentions, I haven't been able to find the time to update my blog to explain it all. I have a few minutes to start writing out my thoughts, and I wish I could get into great detail but I know that it's late and I'm tired so it'll be fast, and in multiple posts, I'm sure.
Leaving Mormonism was the first big Life Change that started me on the road to finally, for the very first time that I can recall, dipping my oars into the water and steering my own ship. Always before, I felt like a leaf on a river, floating along wherever I was taken. In retrospect, I don't think I ever even felt I had the right to steer my own path. I grew up with a very controlling and emotionally abusive father, who hardly encouraged me or my siblings to be autonomous, independent, and confident in ourselves. I also was raised in a very restrictive religion, where a woman's "righteous" path is spelled out for her from childhood to death. Then, after getting pregnant out of wedlock at BYU, I married a man who was 8 years older than me, who seemed to be similar to what I was used to dealing with: someone who also had a need to be in full control.
Starting my blog was key to this change in me. I felt for the first time in a very long time that I had a voice...something valid to say. Re-thinking my place in this world beyond the constraints of the Mormon path--reviewing my "only worthy purpose" given by God himself to be a mother in Zion--I found myself staring hard at my life and realizing there was much I needed to change if I wanted to have true happiness.
So I began the very difficult process of determining for myself, for the first time since I was married at age 21, exactly what I wanted for my life. I knew that I wasn't happy and that I needed some serious changes in my life. I realized that I was not being true to myself, and thus was not giving my children the example I wanted them to have of a mother who is strong, autonomous, and deserving of being treated well. I finally allowed myself to admit that I was enduring unnecessary pain simply because I was used to it and had a high tolerance for it.