August 20, 2008

epic stench

This morning as we drove to the soccer fields, my son and his friend realized they better get their gear on. Just as I was putting a bite of a Pop Tart in my mouth, J said to me, “You might not wanna eat that, Mom. . .oh, too late.” Suddenly the WORST STENCH I’VE EVER SMELLED hit me like a sledgehammer to the face, causing my bite to taste like what I was smelling. K had opened his soccer bag and was putting on his socks and cleats. I literally began gagging and couldn’t quit, even after he got out of the car. I damn near drove off the road. I was forced to continue chewing that godawful bite that tasted just like the dark cloud of death until I could swallow and finally start breathing through my mouth instead. My eyes kept watering and my eyelashes went completely straight. As J and I were crying “Oh God, the horror!” K just kept apologizing and saying that he’s been wearing the same pair of socks since soccer tryouts began on Monday (twice a day, almost 100 degree heat). I’d rather be sprayed directly in the face by a skunk than smell that smell again. *shudder* I'm taking them after work back to the fields, and I'll be making damn sure he keeps his soccer bag in my trunk until we get to the fields, where he can put the socks on outside in the wide open wind.

I smelled the awful stench all the way to work. I STILL smell it now. I fear that the smell got in my clothes and hair, but I’m desperately hoping it’s just my imagination and that what I keep smelling is just residual stench trapped in my nose. I’m desperately trying to forget the junior high science lesson by Mr. Hornung about how when you smell something, it’s actual MICROSCOPIC PARTICLES OF THAT THING entering your nose and attaching themselves to the hair follicles in there. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I'd have never guessed I'd be happy that today they have my front door open by my desk and are painting the door. AND I'm happy they are out there smoking, causing the smoke smell to come in my office on me. It drowns out the incessant smell of K's funkywrong socks. At this point I'd even welcome a diesel truck to park itself right outside my open office door. Frankly, I'd be surprised if that DIDN'T happen on this smellybadluck day.

14 comments:

MattMan said...

I'm a little confused. What did the bite of pop-tart have to do with it? Did it come out of the soccer bag, or was it just a timing thing that K happened to open the bag when you were about to ingest the pop-tart?

Other than, rotfl! Those are the moments that you seriously consider taking direct "hits" of Oust up your nose. :)

You might have some success by taking one of those alcohol prep pads (you know, for cleaning wounds), or a "moist towellete", or even some of that waterless "soap", and swab around in your nose.

Bonus points if you capture this on camera and post it. :)

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Mattman, I edited my post. The reason the bite was nasty was because as soon as the stench hit, my bite tasted just like it. It was revolting. Seriously. I just gagged again thinking about it.

Equality said...

Reminds me of Seinfeld episode 61: The Smelly Car.
http://www.tv.com/seinfeld/the-smelly-car/episode/2301/trivia.html

wry said...

God, my gag reflex is so bad that I'm having a hard time just reading this post. I've certainly been known to upchuck due solely to bad smells wafting by. Like hot NYC garbage. *Shudder* Now I'm gagging too.

There oughta be a law about those socks. Sheesh.

aka madre said...

Good thing you aren't PREGNANT! That's all I gotta say! He he...

aka

Anonymous said...

You described that so well that I think I am smelling those socks. Ewww!!

ddp/tracy/regina filangi

Jennifer said...

I hope he washes his socks.

That is so freakin' gross. Ew.

lostinutah said...

Teenage boys are amazing - the things they will obsess over (hair) and the things they won't (clean sock!).

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Gross! What is it with boys and dirty socks and underwear? Is it like a pride thing?

I remember an elder in my mission who wore the same pink tie for so long without cleaning it, the knot at his neck was gray. It was disgusting.

*Yurp*

Cele said...

That is just too disgusting, and it makes me so glad I had all girls, untill I remember the dirty dishes they would leave in their rooms...under the beds.

Becca said...

ha, it's like jerry's car on Seinfeld, with tehe BO stench.

Beat Dad said...

He He, Boys!

noveldiva said...

This is why I hold my breath when a person walks by; I don't want to eat them.

schmeg said...

As Jeff Foxworthy refers to how men & women ppreciate smells -- what I wanna know is: How is ANYONE ever going to be able to "pay back" that smell?