Pimpin'

I thoroughly enjoyed my husband's blog posts He's Got the Whole World in His Pants and A Boob a Day Keeps the Doctor Away.

Great job, Dart! May as well jump into this blogging thing with both feet (and all body parts), huh??

In response to these two blog posts...Ogle all you want. As long as you let me ogle your wallet!

Greetings

Yes, I'm alive. I have been super busy and stuff at work...

What? You think I've been preoccupied instead with chatting and reading stuff over on FLAK?? Well, that may be true too. I'll never tell!

I've got some creative posts brewing. All in good time. In the meantime, know that all is well, and I'll write when I can.

A few random thoughts:

**I'll be starting a new and challenging portrait commission this week. (YES!!! Thanks for commissioning me, you-know-who-you-are!!!) It'll be nice to have a pencil in my hands again. Note to self: Go to the art store and get a bigger drawing board, and that pad of 16"x20" quality drawing paper you saw earlier.

**Aunt Flo keeps overstaying her welcome. Just when I think she's gone for at least a month, she returns ten days later to torment me for days. I'm thinking I shall seek the help of professionals to see if I can't make her stop visiting quite so often. Hope it's nothing too serious.

**I don't care if you think that's TMI. Don't read it if you hate it.

**I've still been enjoying way fewer headaches in the past few months. I'm a new woman.

**Someday I'll find the discipline to be in bed at midnight instead of writing random thoughts down in my blog.

**Ever since I switched to Blogger Beta, I've had problems with being only sporadically notified via e-mail that I have new comments posted on my blog by my friends. I'm not used to having to look back on my recent posts to see if someone has commented. This is highly irritating. I like knowing if someone has commented on my archived posts as well. Wonder how I can fix this, if at all.

Since I'm starting to see double, I've got to quit now and get some shut-eye.

Good night!

If Joseph Smith had the Internet.....

Helen Mar Kimball sits on her bed, computer in her lap.
sweetiepie14 (online)

Suddenly a pop-up message appears on her computer screen: nastyboyJS wants to chat ~ ACCEPT/DENY ~ She accepts.

nastyboyJS: hi. got your address from heber.
sweetiepie14: my dad?? who is this?
nastyboyJS: brother joseph
sweetiepie14: oh! hi!!! wow!
nastyboy14: how RU?
sweetiepie14: ur a nastyboy???
nastyboyJS: j/k - a joke i made up LOL
sweetiepie14: lol
nastyboyJS: R u alone?
sweetiepie14: yes. why?
nastyboyJS: ur sweet
sweetiepie14: LOL
nastyboyJS: and pretty
sweetiepie14: lol
nastyboyJS: when ur dad talks 2 u tonite, listen 2 him
sweetiepie14: what RU talking about?
nastyboyJS: just remember i talk with god, K?
sweetiepie14: k
nastyboyJS: & god tells me what to say
sweetiepie14: k
nastyboyJS: ur perfect
sweetiepie14: ROFL - no
nastyboyJS: i saw you last week in your white dress
sweetiepie14: oh
nastyboyJS: you looked so pure and innocent
sweetiepie14: thx i think ur cute!
nastyboyJS: thats good. real good.
sweetiepie14: gotta help mom - ttyl
nastyboyJS: listen 2 ur dad - a commandment by God
sweetiepie14: k cya

Joseph Smith sits at his computer in a hidden location (for his safety).
fanny4U has signed in

nastyboyJS: hi F
fanny4U: hi lover
nastyboyJS: where RU?
fanny4U: @ ur house w/ Emma
nastyboyJS: WTF!
fanny4U: she asked me 2 help her
nastyboyJS: RU OK?
fanny4U: yes - we R BFF again
nastyboyJS: don't trust Emma!!
fanny4U: why?
nastyboyJS: get outa there now! don't say anything!
fanny4U: K - she's coming - brb
nastyboyJS: GET OUT NOW
fanny4U: xoxo ttfn
fanny4U has signed out

OrsonHide has signed in
ZinaBaby has signed in
elizaRsnow has signed in

OrsonHide: hi Joe
nastyboyJS: Orson! guess what?
OrsonHide: what?
nastyboyJS: ur going to jerusalem!
OrsonHide: WTF? A mission?
nastyboyJS: as revealed to me by god
OrsonHide: but what about Marinda?!
nastyboyJS: ur wife'll be taken care of. TRUST ME.
OrsonHide: i guess if god wills it.....
nastyboyJS: oh he does, he does.

nastyboyJS: Zina! Hi!
ZinaBaby: Hi
nastyboyJS: whatcha doin?
ZinaBaby: chatting w/ Henry
nastyboyJS: U should chat w/ me only
ZinaBaby: but he's my husband
nastyboyJS: about that.....
ZinaBaby: ?
nastyboyJS: I dont WANT plural marriage
ZinaBaby: I know, me neither! lol
nastyboyJS: BUT...
nastyboyJS: an angel came 2 me with flaming sword last nite. if i don't do this i'll lose my position and my life!
ZinaBaby: Wow! RU serious??
nastyboyJS: Lord made known to me UR 2B my celestial wife
ZinaBaby: i'll have to pray about this
nastyboyJS: good idea, then you'll know the truth i speak
ZinaBaby: what will Henry say if god wills it?
nastyboyJS: he follows god 2 - all will be well
ZinaBaby: i better go pray
nastyboyJS: lemme know asap
ZinaBaby: brb (praying)

elizaRsnow: hi babe
nastyboyJS: hi e
elizaRsnow: i wrote you another poem
nastyboyJS: kewl
elizaRsnow: inspired by last nite
nastyboyJS: u rawked my world! lol
elizaRsnow: i may be old, but i've got skilz LOL
nastyboyJS: can't wait to see poem
elizaRsnow: i can't believe emma didn't catch us!
nastyboyJS: we can't let that happen
elizaRsnow: i made ur bed this morning and thought of u
nastyboyJS: thx for helping emma at home
elizaRsnow: if it means i'm closer to u, then its all good
nastyboyJS: gotta run
elizaRsnow: luv u
elizaRsnow has signed out

OrsonHide: RU sure??? jerusalem is so far....
nastyboyJS: god wills it
OrsonHide: Y not Chicago?
nastyboyJS: god wills it
OrsonHide: Marinda is scared
nastyboyJS: i'll personally take care of her
OrsonHide: k...i guess if god wills it...
nastyboyJS: never fear u will be blessed
OrsonHide has signed out

EmmaHS has signed in
HeberC has signed in

HeberC: i talked 2 her like u said
nastyboyJS: and?
HeberC: she didn't want 2 @ 1st
nastyboyJS: did u tell her like i told you 2?
HeberC: yes - salvation 4 all of us if she will
nastyboyJS: and?
HeberC: i told her 2 think on it for 24 hrs
nastyboyJS: lemme know ASAP
HeberC: she's a good girl - she'll say yes
nastyboyJS: i hope so as god wills it
HeberC: i know - and i wanna be saved!
nastyboyJS: it depends
HeberC: gonna go talk 2 her again
nastyboyJS: u do that
HeberC has signed out

EmmaHS: hi babe
nastyboyJS: hi u sexy thang
EmmaHS: u know it!
nastyboyJS: gonna B gone 2nite
EmmaHS: not again! Y?
nastyboyJS: more of lords work
EmmaHS: :(
nastyboyJS: i may B gone 3 nites
EmmaHS: im not 2 happy
nastyboyJS: b strong
EmmaHS: its hard
nastyboyJS: ur my light, my life
EmmaHS: i know
nastyboyJS: god will bless u
EmmaHS: fanny was here
nastyboyJS: oh?
EmmaHS: we R friens again
nastyboyJS: b nice!
EmmaHS: Y should i?
nastyboyJS: i told you 2 thats Y
EmmaHS: u better stay away from her
nastyboyJS: of course lol
EmmaHS: im not lol
nastyboyJS: k i promise 2 stay away
EmmaHS: gotta run
nastyboyJS: luv u - cya in 3 days
EmmaHS: as u should
EmmaHS has signed out

sweetiepie14: u still here?
nastyboyJS: HI!!!
sweetiepie14: my dad told me
nastyboyJS: and?
sweetiepie14: Y do u want me??
nastyboyJS: god wills it
sweetiepie14: will it save my kindred?
nastyboyJS: oh yes - salvation for all
sweetiepie14: im scared
nastyboyJS: god will provide - ur a good daughter of god
sweetiepie14: if it will save my family.....
nastyboyJS: say yes and be saved
sweetiepie14: and my family 2 right?
nastyboyJS: its the only way
sweetiepie14: i guess i will then
nastyboyJS: ur a good girl
nastyboyJS: u will be saved now
nastyboyJS: 2morrow nite we will b sealed 4ever
sweetiepie14: 2morrow nite!
nastyboyJS: god says it has to be 2morrow nite
nastyboyJS: ill take good care of you my sweet
nastyboyJS: i promise u eternal salvation
sweetiepie14: im scared!
nastyboyJS: im a prophet of god - b not afraid
sweetiepie14: k i guess
nastyboyJS: follow the prophet and b saved
sweetiepie14: 4 my family
nastyboyJS: oh 1 more thing
sweetiepie14: ?
nastyboyJS: cant tell Emma - god said 2 keep us a secret
sweetiepie14: y?
nastyboyJS: its gods will u keep it secret 4 my safety
sweetiepie14: if god says so then k
nastyboyJS: i look forward 2 us 2morrow
sweetiepie14: cya
sweetiepie14 has signed out

ZinaBaby: back
nastyboyJS: did u pray?
ZinaBaby: yes
nastyboyJS: and?
ZinaBaby: i was told its true
nastyboyJS: came from god
ZinaBaby: this is hard
nastyboyJS: im not about 2 make that angel mad! r u?
ZinaBaby: but I luv henry
nastyboyJS: me 2 - but god wills it
ZinaBaby: henry knows god wills it
nastyboyJS: R u sure?
ZinaBaby: yes
nastyboyJS: k - i'll be there 2morrow a.m.
ZinaBaby: so soon?!
nastyboyJS: u didn't c that angel
ZinaBaby: k
nastyboyJS: i cant wait 2B sealed 2 u
ZinaBaby: god wills it
nastyboyJS: and im a prophet of god - follow me n b saved
ZinaBaby: k ttyl
nastyboyJS: oh - god said dont tell Emma
ZinaBaby: k i promise cya
ZinaBaby has signed out

Joseph logs out and prepares to depart.

As Overheard at the Grocery Store

I walked out of the grocery store yesterday behind two elderly women, probably in their seventies or eighties. Just outside the doors stood two stop signs for both directions of parking lot traffic, and a car had stopped right in front of the women, halfway into the stripes of the cross walk. I could hear their conversation as I walked around them toward my car.

"I would have hit that car with my cart if I were you, Betty. They don't wanna stop, then they deserve to be rammed."

"I wish I had. They never think they have to stop, do they?"

"Next time, why don't you just ram them?"

"It's totally deserved. I will."

. . . . .

A NOTE TO ALL WHO KNOW ME:

If I become like them in my old age, just take me out back and put me out of your misery, OK?

Sideon's Story Rocks

I've really been enjoying the story Sideon is writing and feeding us in small increments. What an awesome writer!!

If you haven't checked out Season of Truth, read it here:

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part V
Part VI
Part VII

Great job so far, Sid! I hope that others will go over, read your stuff, and convince you like I haven't been able to that you need to do at least 50 installments of this story. I hate it when a good story ends.

My dad is here

Well, my dad finally decided to visit us for Christmas this weekend. You may remember that he had planned to come up to visit over Christmas, but I told him in an e-mail before he came that I no longer believed the church was true, so he decided not to visit for Christmas as planned.

Today is the first I've seen him or talked to him since my e-mail to him before Christmas. Twice since then I've e-mailed him greetings and asked him if he'd like to discuss my disillusionment with the church, but he never even responded to my e-mails.

Tonight, we exchanged Christmas gifts and he saved the best for last...I looked over and he was holding up a DVD or game, I couldn't tell which since he was across the room. I smiled and asked him to throw it to me...it was a 3-DVD copy of the 176th Annual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I kept the smile on my face and said, "Oh....nice."

"Actually, that's for your sister. I've actually been holding copies of this for each of you since before you RUINED CHRISTMAS FOR ME." I handed the movie to my sister who was beside me on my couch and looked at my dad.

"It was not my intention to ruin Christmas for you, Dad." I said this calmly and clearly.

"The second DVD has footage of me singing in the Priesthood Session of Conference with the men's choir from Brigham City. I had hoped to watch it with you."

"Sure thing, put it in and we'll watch it."

We sat through three hymns before the final song where he is visible near the end twice when the camera pans over them slowly. We had a tense moment when he got upset that my dog barked in the middle of this "spiritual moment," and when he told my dog to keep it quiet, I got to experience again that awful voice he gets when he speaks with teeth clenched in utter controlling, uptight anger. I hate that voice.

They ended up leaving with the DVD of Conference, and I didn't get one. I'm kind of surprised he didn't want to leave one for us.

The choir sang beautifully. We only made fun of a couple of the singers for enunciating so dramatically that it warranted an instant replay or two for laughs. Was that dude yawning or was he just singing?! When I saw my dad on the screen, I made sure to tell him how handsome he looked, and I complimented him on how well they sang, and asked him questions to let him know I was interested in his accomplishment and joy in singing at such a prestigious [to him] event.

Interestingly, the Priesthood Session my dad sang at was the one that had a couple of talks that I thought were highly...how shall I word this?...DISGUSTING.

One was by D. Todd Christofferson who spoke about his dad who saved up for a year in order to buy his wife an ironing machine, because she had had cancer surgery that removed much of the tissue in her neck and shoulder, causing her extreme pain when she used her right arm. He took her to the store to buy the machine, and she asked how he could afford such a thing. He told her he'd been saving lunch money for almost a year in order to do this for her.

"Now when you iron" he said "you won't have to stop and go into the bedroom and cry until the pain in your arm stops." She didn't know he knew about that. I was not aware of of my father's sacrifice and act of love for my mother at the time, but now that I know I say to myself, "There is a man."

Um....yeah. It's a real big man who makes his wife CONTINUE TO PAINFULLY IRON FOR A YEAR in a household with five boys, letting her cry in pain each time, without offering to do it himself instead. What a "sacrifice."

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

The other talk was given by our very own prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley. It was the one in which he said,

"It is plainly evident from these statistics that young women are exceeding young men in pursuing educational programs. And so I say to you young men, rise up and discipline yourself to take advantage of educational opportunities. Do you wish to marry a girl whose education has been far superior to your own? We speak of being "equally yoked." That applies, I think, to the matter of education."

Niiiiiice. I'm not even going to grace this dumbass comment with a response.

Maybe it's a good thing Dad didn't gift me that DVD set after all.

One thing that kept me smiling during the hymns: my non-member brother-in-law kept playing with and laughing at the rubber chicken Dad gave my son for Christmas.

YOU HAVEN'T LIVED UNTIL YOU'VE SEEN MY DAD LOSE HIS LIPS OVER SUCH FOOLISHNESS.