tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post116556235596835443..comments2023-10-21T05:05:55.779-05:00Comments on Thoughts by Sister Mary Lisa: Dear SML - Divorce or Not?Sister Mary Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00642154849765529070noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-68378674983998202182008-01-15T11:40:00.000-06:002008-01-15T11:40:00.000-06:00I have been in that situation before, and my curr...I have been in that situation before, <BR/>and my current relationship also had the potential to go in that direction.<BR/><BR/>I think your advice was spot on. It is difficult to do but once an abused person starts to stand up for himself/herself the abuser will, in my experience, either stand down and see the error of their ways or accept divorce.<BR/><BR/>My DW, has responded by becoming more loving, and not abusive.beatdadhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05497471619358149692noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-8747737542589332202007-06-16T20:23:00.000-05:002007-06-16T20:23:00.000-05:00I would say get out of the marriage as well, but w...I would say get out of the marriage as well, but what are you leaving to? <BR/><BR/>You say the husband is the problem because he's not doing what the wife wants, hence he's the one making her react in this abusive way?<BR/><BR/>We live next to selfish people and while I no longer view doing something for oneself as a sin, I do view lack of patience as a sin. <BR/>Truth is we can't have what we want right now. We can only have faith that God will recompense us according to our works. Those who do not possess this faith have no reason to use any and all forms of coercion they can get away with to squeeze what they want out of others. <BR/><BR/>I came to the realization long ago that if I wanted to be married at all I would have to be married to a selfish person. <BR/><BR/>I didn't marry because I found the perfect person. I married because I knew it was what God wanted me to do. If I were to wait to fall in love to the point where I believed my wife's shit really didn't stink, I would never have married. Nobody finds the perfect person and nobody has the perfect marriage. But I do have faith that if I endure life in this society, God will at the very least put me around others who will treat me the way I have treated others. <BR/><BR/>I still believe that there will be fairness in the end, regardless of our present circumstance. If the atheist are right and this life is all there is, then I got cheated and I guess I'm the looser. If the Baptists are right and I'm not supposed to care about fairness, then hopefully I won't be put with them in the next life. Whether they're views are higher than mine or not, I know I cannot live happily under that belief. Moreover, I know I'm right.ajaxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10440453880647487695noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1166332179259181782006-12-16T23:09:00.000-06:002006-12-16T23:09:00.000-06:00Wow, this entire post, plus all the comments hit h...Wow, this entire post, plus all the comments hit home for me. I am a survivor of just such a marriage...and it took me until the 4th yr to figure it out and another 6 to actually GET OUT! For heaven's sake, don't wait that long, and I agree, get an awesome lawyer...I gave away tons of "my stuff" to my ex just to get him to go away. SML, your comments were dead on! and I agree totally...abuse is abuse, no matter whether verbal, emotional, or physical...it ALL damages irreparably. If you read my blog, you know I don't mention my ex too often, when I do it's with much bitterness, but I'm better off now, and in an very happy marriage with a wonderful & loving husband.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1165866570150702472006-12-11T13:49:00.000-06:002006-12-11T13:49:00.000-06:00Wow SML, most excellent advice! I also agree with...Wow SML, most excellent advice! I also agree with what LM and Gluby have said. My heart goes out to the one who needs the advice. I don't envy their position.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1165755809882891032006-12-10T07:03:00.000-06:002006-12-10T07:03:00.000-06:00Dear SML,Very interesting. I am hoping that the p...Dear SML,<BR/>Very interesting. I am hoping that the person who sent you this will post a response via you.Maryam in Marrakeshhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04847860772735091153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1165702259138631922006-12-09T16:10:00.000-06:002006-12-09T16:10:00.000-06:00Right on, liseysmom. Very astute observation.I wa...Right on, liseysmom. Very astute observation.<BR/><BR/>I was one of those who daily advised my mother to divorce my father.<BR/><BR/>I think divorce is far more traumatic for children if it seems to comes out of nowhere to them. As in, Mom and Dad seem to get along alright, and we had a relatively nice family life, and now they are destroying that. But, in situations where the marriage is loveless or abusive and where the children are exposed to high-intensity conflict between their parents already, the trauma has already occurred, and divorce can be a relief.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1165698034475863632006-12-09T15:00:00.000-06:002006-12-09T15:00:00.000-06:00I will only offer this in addition, because I agre...I will only offer this in addition, because I agree with all of what SML has said - kids do not suffer when their parents divorce. Kids suffer when they are put in high-conflict situations. Recognize the difference between the two. If you work to minimize the conflict your kids experience during the divorce, you will be surprised how adaptive they are.Liseysmomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16751571582105976429noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1165638114134080922006-12-08T22:21:00.000-06:002006-12-08T22:21:00.000-06:00I know a couple with startlingly similar problem. ...I know a couple with startlingly similar problem. I know them only too well - to what extent my relationship is with this couple, let's keep that personal.<BR/><BR/>What Mr. What Should I do is saying, is exactly what the man is going through. But I also know the woman's perspective. The reason why she's verbally abusive is because the man is the problem. It's almost like a chicken-and-egg situation. You have been having this problem for far too long, you can't even remember how it started, but now both parties have the baggage. And it doesn't matter how hard you look, you can't even remember anytime when you don't have that ongoing problem with your spouse.<BR/><BR/>I don't have any solution for neither this couple nor Mr. What should I do.<BR/>I guess what I'm trying to say here is... let's try not to judge too negatively Mr. What should I do's wife. <BR/><BR/>However, yes I agree with SML's advice, every single one of them. You're one very wise woman.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1165604665487756222006-12-08T13:04:00.000-06:002006-12-08T13:04:00.000-06:00Thanks, everyone. This post was a hard one for me...Thanks, everyone. This post was a hard one for me to write. Hits home on many levels for me too. I appreciate your comments to the ones who write in as well.Sister Mary Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00642154849765529070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1165603238745327192006-12-08T12:40:00.000-06:002006-12-08T12:40:00.000-06:00I'm in awe of SML and her sage advice.For what it'...I'm in awe of SML and her sage advice.<BR/><BR/>For what it's worth, there are people out here in the blogosphere rooting for Mr. What Should I Do, whatever he decides to do.Sideonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00563675498159890372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1165598405671168752006-12-08T11:20:00.000-06:002006-12-08T11:20:00.000-06:00First off, Lisa you rock for recognizing men are a...First off, Lisa you rock for recognizing men are abused too. It sucks that as a nation we tend to over look spousal/partner abuse by women.<BR/><BR/>I pretty much agree with all of Lisa's comments/advice.<BR/><BR/>Here's one more little view point.<BR/><BR/>As a parent you have a responsiblity to your children (this you know.) That means being a role model (this you know.) If you can't find a way to survive your life, how can you expect your children to survive in one piece? Teach them self respect and survival, because one day they will be grown ups and may have the same dilemia to resolve. And as Janet said, fight for custody.Celehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11471318342104018488noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1165595796188454122006-12-08T10:36:00.000-06:002006-12-08T10:36:00.000-06:00My parents weren't good together either. I spent ...My parents weren't good together either. I spent my whole childhood wishing they would get divorced, but it didn't happen until I graduated from college (Mormons don't give up easily). When things are bad, it is NEVER a good idea to stay together for the children. They would rather live in a happy atmosphere.Freckle Face Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13324960438835000817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1165587964940230212006-12-08T08:26:00.000-06:002006-12-08T08:26:00.000-06:00Yeah, just cut and run. File immediately. Sure, ...Yeah, just cut and run. File immediately. Sure, divorce is tough on kids. But coming from a family where the parents SHOULD have split up and DIDN'T, I can say that that's probably just as bad. Show your kids that when you give everything and you can't make it work, it's okay to quit. Quitting isn't the same as failing. Show them that being happy is an option. Of course, in the end only you know what you really need to do. But whatever it is, DO it.Rebeccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10006115623631732544noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1165565529277908212006-12-08T02:12:00.000-06:002006-12-08T02:12:00.000-06:00Go to bed Janet.Go to bed Janet.Bishop Rickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05385909789743073477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1165565513985620932006-12-08T02:11:00.000-06:002006-12-08T02:11:00.000-06:00Wow, powerful stuff.Wow, powerful stuff.Bishop Rickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05385909789743073477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32588204.post-1165565348718650402006-12-08T02:09:00.000-06:002006-12-08T02:09:00.000-06:00And, P.S., fight like hell for custody of the kids...And, P.S., fight like hell for custody of the kids. If she's abusing you emotionally and verbally, she's going to do the exact same thing to them, if she isn't already.<BR/><BR/>Good advice, SML!Janet Kincaidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01396294382570650966noreply@blogger.com