July 31, 2007

Mother Guilt

Every summer it's the same story.

I feel major guilt for paying my older kids to babysit my younger kids, thereby depriving them of freedom to play and enjoy activities with friends due to responsibility. I remember fondly all my summers filled with playing outside all day, every day. (Thanks, Madre!)

My son got invited to hang out with friends tomorrow, but I called every person I could think of to replace him as babysitter, and not one person is available.

It never fails that every summer I wish more than ever I were a successful artist who could be home during the day for my kids.

I'm so sorry.

July 30, 2007

Training for something at any rate...

Rounding the front of my car in the Target parking lot today, I looked up and saw a mother helping her son who was standing on the back seat in the open door of their Denali. She looked up and saw me, and immediately pulled up her son's pants, revealing to me what he had been doing. I looked at the ground, and sure enough, there was his fresh pee in a puddle at her feet.

She lifted him down to stand on the asphalt next to his pee, and she reached into the car and got a water bottle, then proceeded to spray down the pee puddle.

How the hell does someone (who owns a DENALI for jeebus' sake) reach the point where teaching their child to pee in a busy parking lot instead of walking 20 yards to the public restroom is OK?

July 23, 2007

Just for Today

I'm eating tapas in Barcelona, drinking in the beauty and flavor that is Spain.

Just for today, I'm walking deep in the forests of Oregon, waiting for a bird to fly over and speak to my soul.

I'm hiking in der Schweiz, nibbling my favorite Erdbeerrahm Schokolade, speculating how one can be so fabulously awesome and not have a clue that she is.

I'm walking the backroads of Tuscany in the sun, taking photos of places tourists never see.

Just for today, I'm smoking my first weed, laughing at life and loving it too.

I'm in Washington D.C., eating the best red velvet cake I've ever tasted on beautiful new Fiesta Ware.

I'm in California, relishing Thai food and talking about the color of dreams.

Just for today, I'm bold enough to get a henna tattoo painted all over my body, celebrating the beauty that is womanhood.

I'm on a quest to visit the art studio of Jeremy Lipking because he's simply awesome.

I'm on a ferry boat near Seattle, smelling the water and feeling the mist, loving the islands that surround me.

Just for today, I'm rolling down I-75 on the back of a Deuce, loving the mountains I've never seen up close.

I'm standing on the shores of a lake in Minnesota, remembering my childhood with fondness and pain.

I'm sitting in Olive Garden, eating naughty sticks and naughty sauce like they're going out of style.

I'm enjoying the view of the ocean off the Oregon coast and discussing poetry with one who has lived, loved, and lost.

I'm playing a board game, and winning, of course.

Just for today, I'm in Boston, discussing Buddhism and literature with America's greatest literary critic.

I'm in the desert in Nevada, looking at a uselessly huge collection of coats. And laughing hysterically.

I'm in California, eating two bowls of Sugar Smacks in a very important scientific experiment of epic proportions.

Just for today, I'm in England, admiring the beautiful art that quilting is, wishing I had the patience for sewing because I have some designs in mind.

I'm telling jokes with a friend in Georgia, and laughing about how seriously I take myself where feminism is concerned.

Just for today, I'm enjoying my senility from the patio of a Spanish hacienda with three other fabulously senile women.

I'm in Bordeaux, laughing about zizis and whale bits with total irreverence.

I'm loving watching the people at the parties I attend, having fun and enjoying life to the fullest.

I'm embarrassing myself by sending an email to the wrong recipient yet enjoying the unexpected teasing that comes with such a mistake.

I'm laughing at the humor only elephants can bring.

Just for today, I'm catching and releasing squirrels in New England, dying to ask how it's possible to be such a world-traveler in times like these.

I'm pole dancing in heels and loving every minute of it.

I'm walking the streets of Glasgow, marveling at the beautiful countryside beyond the quaint buildings I can see.

I'm eating lunch with my friends, in the darkened back room of an Italian restaurant.

Just for today, I am completely surrounded by hockey players, skating fast and loving the thrill of the game.

I'm on a business trip in New York, relishing the noise and the people and the excitement in the air.

I'm in the heart of Miami, amazed at the culture that's so different from my home, and loving the humor that such culture can produce.

I'm trying Texmex with the Texmos ~ where they really know how to grow 'em.

Just for today, I am laughing at the 900 year old man in his office.

I am hiding in the toothpaste aisle, waiting for my ex to leave the store without noticing me.

Just for today. . .

Just for today. . . I am free.

July 22, 2007

10 Weird Experiences

Tagged once again! This time by JulieAnn, whom I like enough to play along. Or, better yet, I have nothing else to write right now, so I'll play. I like everyone who tags me.


1. I've noticed that it seems that people who tag me do so on the "weird things" tags. What are they trying to say, exactly? Hmmmmm?

2. Before I knew Benadryl did this to me, I took two pills once in high school when I had a cold, and I fell asleep during class. I was so tired, I could have fallen asleep standing. I never took it again.

3. Before I was 16, a boy from a different town I met during a scout training week (my parents were avid Boy Scouters) mailed me a pair of cross earrings tucked inside a love letter. I knew I'd never be able to wear them, because I was Mormon and Mormons don't worship or acknowledge the cross as a sacred symbol. I also knew because he wasn't Mormon that it'd never work out. I hid the earrings and looked at them often before throwing them away.

4. I jumped the wall of a cemetery in Vienna once with some BYU Study Abroad students. It was beautiful, because there were candles burning on all the graves (which were raised box-style graves made of stone or cement - what are those called?). I'd like to go and do that again. I wonder if that chair is still hidden in the shrubs outside the wall?

5. One time I was at my grandma's house in Layton, Utah, and we were teasing my much older cousin who tried to get me while I ran by him. I yelled at him, "Missed me! Missed me! Now you gotta kiss me!" He chased me until he caught me, and I was genuinely horrified when he DID kiss me, full on the lips. Just thinking of it makes me shiver again. I steered very clear of him from then on.

6. Same cousin. One time we were visiting at Grandma's house and he was outside, working on his car, when all of a sudden he ran in the house, screaming. The radiator cap had come off, spraying him with boiling hot water. I peeked in the bathroom as he was sitting in the bathtub of cool water, covered all over in big blisters.

7. One night, my cousin Jill and I were lying in our sleeping bags out on her trampoline in Salt Lake City, telling secrets and watching falling stars. All of a sudden, something huge flew over us silently, making all the stars disappear to blackness as it crossed directly above us. We never knew what it was, but we were freaked out. I wonder now if it was an owl flying low.

8. When I was a majorette in high school, I marched in a weekend parade. My friend dropped me off at home afterward, and I was locked out. I knocked and knocked and rang the doorbell for hours, knowing my sister Val was sleeping in there, but she never heard me. I was so damn mad. And hungry! The garage door was open so I sat out there and ate Tang powder straight from the can while I waited over two hours for someone to come home. I still have no idea what she was on to be able to sleep through me banging on the door, ringing the doorbell, and throwing rocks on her bedroom window. I never wanted to kill someone so bad as I did that day. I've also never had to go to the bathroom that bad before or since.

9. I wouldn't wear shorts in public when I was a teen because I thought they were too revealing and that my legs were ugly. But is this actually "weird" when you grow up being taught by your father that tank tops and mini-skirts are what sluts and whores wear?

10. I was voted "Most Likely to Have Eight Kids" in my high school yearbook. WTF? I had six younger brothers and sisters and felt like I had already done years of mothering by the time I graduated high school. Oy.

July 21, 2007

As overheard today

Son: Hey, S, guess what I'm gonna get you for your birthday?

Daughter: Tapeworm?!

July 20, 2007

Confirmed Idiot Sighting

I stopped at an intersection this morning on my way to work, and who should turn right in front of me but Dramaboy himself! On a little red SCOOTER, no less. HA! (Note to self: start keeping camera in car!)

I drove behind him for five blocks until he turned toward Albertsons.

I couldn't help laughing at what I missed in my first description of him: he has compensated for his thinning hair on top by growing the wispy hairs in back slightly longer, and he permed the ends. A sort of mini-mullet.

Had he known the joy I'd get out of his permed mullet flapping in the breeze, I'm certain he'd have never chosen that hairstyle.

July 18, 2007

"Alma the Lamanite" - A Gripping Story

Tomorrow (Thursday, July 19th) marks the final chapter of the "Alma the Lamanite" story CV Rick has written and posted on his blog.

The story is a very well-written true story from Rick's teen years when he lived in Idaho. Alma was a Native American boy who had been adopted into a white Mormon family in Rick's ward. The story portrays the friendship the two boys had with one another, despite Rick's father telling Rick he could be friends with Alma at church, but not outside of church. Throughout the story I was touched by the strength, grace, and fortitude Alma showed despite the horrifying things he went through.

The story openly touches on many painful experiences:

Physical, Emotional, Verbal Abuse
Homosexuality and Homophobia
Racism and Racial Discrimination
Sexual Abuse
Betrayal by a Best Friend
Religious Fanaticism

It is plain to see when you read this story that it was a life-changing experience for Rick that shaped his entire world view and who he would become.

It is easily one of the most heartrending and touching portrayals of the human experience I have ever read.

Seriously, read it. You won't be sorry.

July 17, 2007

BON JOVI TICKETS FOR SALE!!! If you call right now, we'll throw in a Personalized Blog Post for FREE!!!

My SIL has two Bon Jovi tickets for the concert this Friday evening in Cheyenne, WY. $75 each - actual cost. I believe the concert starts at 8:00 p.m. (My nephew's roommate and his girlfriend discovered they can't go at the last minute, and he's not paying for the tix.)

If any of you are interested in buying them from her and gifting yourself a blast from the past to see Bon Jovi, email me immediately at sistermarylisa@gmail.com. Paypal is available through my husband's account, if credit card payment is preferred.

No, I won't be there. Why the hell do Americans not get months of vacation like the Europeans do???

It's just not right.

The Meeting

The tension in the boardroom was palpable. The president and CEO walked in through the door that led directly from his office. The executive officers all stood as he took his place at the head of the beautiful table that was designed with a subtle curve so that every person seated could see everyone else. Each person received a Policy Manual and a glass of ice water.

“Thank you all for being here, Gentlemen. And Ladies.” He gave a cursory smile before continuing. “While it must seem unusual that I’ve set up this meeting to include your spouses, rest assured you will know why soon enough. You were recently sent our revised Policy Manual in the mail to your homes, and since that time, I have heard rumors that some of you are not pleased with the changes therein.” He paused to look at every person in turn. Some of them squirmed and looked away, while others stared back, waiting for him to continue. The executives were used to his methods, but the ladies were not.

“The HR Department has told me that there are some, shall we say, concerns regarding our policies, and I thought it might be best if we sat down and addressed your concerns openly in an effort to better understand one another.”

He opened a folder and read from the HR report. “It seems we’ve received calls from two spouses in this room, questioning the company’s right to stipulate requirements that must be met in order to receive our retirement benefits package. Let’s discuss this.” Surprise rippled across the face of each executive. Each looked at his spouse to look for evidence of guilt. All but two spouses looked around as well. The two who had called were looking straight at the CEO.

The wife of the Senior VP of Marketing spoke up. “I am one of the callers, Sir.” Her husband’s head whipped toward her, and he turned red. His gulp was visible to everyone.

She continued. “I reviewed the Policy Manual, and found quite a few things that I and others here have discussed and do not agree with.” She looked at her two best friends across the table from her, but they were both looking down, lips clamped tightly shut. “The first thing I disagree with is the verbiage found throughout the Policy Manual that claims that women are not to ever be promoted as department heads or officers, because they are better suited for homemaking. Isn’t that a bit archaic?” Her husband looked like he wanted to die on the spot.

The CEO said, “Well, that’s the way our corporation has always been run, and we see no reason to change what for us has been a successful method of operation.”

“What about Section 4 of the Policy Manual? The entire section outlines the retirement package, and I agree that it sounds very generous and desirable. But the list of requirements necessary in order to receive the benefits is absolutely outrageous!”

At this, her husband grabbed her arm and said in a harsh voice, “That’s enough!”

The CEO told her it was fine to continue. Her husband put his forehead in his hands and despaired while she continued. “Well, look at page 34.” They all found the page that read:

• A priceless mansion in our exclusive gated retirement community.
• Ability to live forever with your CEO who is also retired.
• Become automatic CEO of your own corporation, complete with guidebook that tells you all things you need to know to do it perfectly.
• Ability to make your corporation into whatever you desire it to be.
• As many employees as you need to help your corporation thrive.
• Ability to have as many wives as you desire, as long as they are virgins and they are pleasing to your first wife (who will be expected to accept your choices).
• Freedom to have as many children as you’d like. There will always be room enough to house all your wives and children.

• Behave as a man should at all times, exercising kindness to your wife and children as outlined on page 8.
• Pay 10% of total household gross earnings back to corporation.
• Take one special initiatory swim in the Corporate Pool of Healing Waters.
• Accept and use gift of Corporate Blackberry that chimes using a still, small voice whenever it senses you are about to make an unwise choice, or when you need to know something is true or not. Learn to follow this direction in your individual life.
• Marry a woman (only) in our Corporate Marriage Room, which only the VP of Interpersonal Relations may perform, as he’s the only one qualified.
• Be willing to have your wife raise your children at home.
• Employee’s wife must agree to support her husband in all things, and admit that he presides over her in all things.
• Attend every meeting the Corporation sets up individually or as a family, as required.
• Employee’s wife must agree that motherhood is all she needs to focus on, because this is the best thing she can aspire to. Besides, it suits her.
• Dedicate every Sunday to the CEO.
• Must promise complete honesty, and tell CEO any time you fail to comply with requirements, then:
• Do whatever is asked of you to make it right.
• Follow the Corporate Health Food Regimen as outlined in the Policy Manual, page 6.
• Kneel and ask the CEO to help you and your family at least twice daily; also with every meal thank your CEO for giving you your food.
• Teach all others in word and action that our Corporation is the only one they should buy from.
• Study the Corporate Policy Manual and Corporate Mission Statement.
• Listen to and obey the inspired words of the CEO, CFO and Vice Presidents above you.

• Marriage to someone of same gender.
• Sexual intercourse with someone of same gender.
• Unmarried sexual intercourse with someone of opposite gender without telling CEO as required.
• Failure to comply with all requirements in list above.

They all listened to her read the list, and afterward she turned to the CEO. “This list is appalling! How can you actually promote your slogan, “THE BEST CORPORATION. PERIOD.” when you can’t even offer benefits to ALL your employees, who, by the way, are all male? This is insane. I can’t believe that so many men with brilliant minds are sitting here as if the benefits package outweighs the obvious sexism, homophobia, and control tactics it contains. You think it’s OK for your wives and daughters to be treated this way! And you women sit here too as if it’s perfectly fine to agree with the list and defer all rights of leadership and family matters to your husbands! Well, I for one DO NOT agree.”

The CEO stood up. “That’s perfectly fine if you choose not to agree. That will simply mean that you choose not to enjoy the Retirement Benefits Package, and your husband will also not receive it either. Are there any other concerns?”

The only black VP raised a hand. “I am the fourth generation in my family to work in this esteemed Corporation. My father told me that he and his father and grandfather were not eligible for any Retirement Benefits just because they were black. And they were still required to pay in 10% of their gross earnings to their CEO and to follow most of the requirements, without the retirement benefit. Was that really our corporate policy up until only 30 years ago? That’s just not right.”

The CEO asked, “Why does that old policy bother you now? It’s old news. It was simply the way it was done back then. It didn’t mean anything. Your father and grandfathers were totally valued for their hard work. They were told that all the time. I know nobody complained about it then at all.” The black VP sat there shaking his head and holding his wife’s hand.

“Sir, what about John and me?” The VP of Communications pointed to his spouse. “John and I were legally married in Massachusetts over a year ago, and you still refuse to give us the Retirement Benefit. Why do you give it to heterosexual married couples and not to us? Our marriage is every bit as legal as yours is, Sir.”

The CEO said, “This is simply the way I have set up my benefits package. It’s not that I don’t value you, it’s just that it’s not natural for you to want to have sex with another man! Eeeeew! Either remain celibate and get retirement benefits, or enjoy immoral sex and forfeit your retirement benefits. The choice is completely yours, and I respect whatever you choose. But the policy stands. I’m not changing it. Why would I? I’m completely satisfied with it.”

The CEO asked if there were any other matters of concern. Nobody spoke up, so he stood to conclude the meeting. “I’d like to thank you all for coming. It certainly feels good to know that you all understand the new Policy Manual, and that you’ll follow and obey the rules that will enable you to receive full benefits and support from me. I appreciate your open critiques of what some of you see as “problems” with our policies. Rest assured that this corporation is a corporation of order, and the policies were written to help you maintain the correct order for full success of our corporation.

“If you end up not receiving the Retirement Benefits Package, that will only be because you willingly and knowingly chose that fate for yourself. Your actions will have proven to those of us in the exclusive gated retirement community that you’re simply more comfortable with your own personal retirement plan that doesn’t include luxury in a mansion of your own in my presence.

"That will be all, ladies and gentlemen. Good day.”

The CEO walked back into his office and closed the door.

July 11, 2007

The Keeper of the Key

Last Saturday after working for a couple hours, I left my office, locking the door behind me. When I turned toward my car, it seemed like I had walked into an eerie atmosphere. There was a dark, ominous cloud hanging low in the sky, and it felt as if my hair was electrically charged. I had such a strange feeling of impending doom that I half ran to my car, and kept the windows up just in case. I know I have a hard time believing that God exists these days, but I figured that IF he exists, I wasn't going to be his next lightning bolt target opportunity!

Driving west, I could see the storm gather power and I literally counted 20 lightning strikes within one minute. The storm looked to be right where I was headed: Albertsons. I debated the wisdom of shopping right then, but we had planned a fun night of movies with the kids, and I had to pick up dinner and snacks on my way home. It just started to rain as I walked inside the store.

As I stood in the checkout, the bagger walked up, dripping wet from being outside. I declined his offer of help, but when I stepped into the cart storage area by the exit doors, I stopped mid-stride. It was raining so hard, the lot had already flooded and the rain was coming down sideways, beating the windows and exit doors hard enough to make them shake. We don't get rain of that magnitude here very often, and when it happens, it only lasts for five minutes. I decided to wait it out. In rain like that, you get soaked through in seconds. I could see the lightning coming down all around the store, and was glad I had not gone out there. I later heard on the news that the storm had produced over 500 lightning strikes.

Suddenly the power went out. There was a collective gasp from the checkers, which only subsided once the generators kicked in, enabling them to continue working in the dark. I was surprised to see the assistant manager of the store come over to the exit doors and lock them. The power had only been out for a couple minutes. He informed me if I wished to leave, I could go to the other side of the store to the other entrance. I told him my car was right there, so I'd wait.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw a man walking across the length of the parking lot (since the exit doors closest to the car were locked) with a poor bagger who was pushing a loaded cart. The lightning was coming down faster than ever, and I found myself holding my breath anxiously while the bagger hurried to finish, standing in that pond during an electrical storm. Of course, the macho man who insisted on leaving was waiting in the safety of his car. Unbelievable!

A few people pulled up and parked, running through the downpour only to find that the doors were locked. Albertsons employees were standing there, watching the storm, and they'd motion to the people to go through the rain to the other side of the store where the doors were not locked. By this time, an older woman and her grandkids were standing with me, waiting out the storm. Soon the manager returned with the key and let out a co-worker whose car was closest to the locked doors. A couple of shoppers saw him unlock the door, so they exited at the same time. After a while, the manager was needed elsewhere, so he handed his key to a co-worker, whom I'll call Dramaboy for the purposes of this story.

As soon as he was handed the responsibility of the key, Dramaboy underwent an interesting transformation. His chest puffed out, and he started talking a bit louder to the people around us, speculating about the storm and the power outage and jingling the keychain in his hand to remind us of his importance. His behavior surprised me because he looked to be in his mid-fifties. Then another shopper tried to leave the locked doors. I expected Dramaboy to jump up and unlock the doors, but instead, he asked the customer if he wanted to leave. The customer assured him he did. Dramaboy scratched his head, rocked back on his heels, and said, "We locked this door, but the other doors are open for people to use." The key was still jingling in his hand.

"Will you please unlock this door? My car is right there." The customer pointed to the car next to mine just outside the door.

"Welllll, I suppose I can. But we ARE supposed to keep this door locked during emergencies." He slooooooowly unlocked the door, making a big production out of it. I'd say that it took him 30 full seconds to unlock the door and move in order to let people go by. I looked at the woman beside me and we both raised our eyebrows. Her granddaughter asked why they locked the door. She didn't know why, so I leaned over and said, "I'm certain it's a loss-prevention thing. They don't want anyone walking out with free groceries."

This delay-before-unlocking-the-door drama went on for some time. It got bad enough that I started muttering under my breath to the woman beside me whenever someone would pass me, looking to leave. "Oh oh. Don't look now. Here comes another victim!" Sure enough, with each one, he'd explain first that the doors were locked, but that they could go to the other doors to exit the store. It was obvious he liked making people beg. One guy actually turned around to go to the other doors, but I stopped him by telling him that that guy had a key, he'd open the door.

If you think the people leaving were fun for Dramaboy.....

A car pulled up and parked. Two people ran through the downpour to the locked doors. Dramaboy motioned to them that these doors are locked, go around. He was waving his arms like a damn traffic control cop, shouting the words "THIS DOOR IS LOCKED. GO AROUND" with flair and drama. The key actually dangled in his hand as he waved his hands. They ran through the rain, already soaked clear through. I was astounded. I said to the woman beside me, "Wow. Can you believe that? He'd actually rather make them walk in that storm than unlock that precious door. Unbelievable." We stood there shaking our heads in amazement.

Another car pulled up and parked. The people got out, and Dramaboy could see them headed his way, but rather than unlocking the door and giving them sanctuary, he turned and walked back into the store to chat with a co-worker. I told him someone was coming. He turned and slowly sauntered back toward the door. I watched in amazement as he stalled just long enough that the people ran instead toward the other entrance at the other corner of the store. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to say something.

"Oh, yes. It's much better to let people run through a dangerous storm than to unlock the door. Impressive."

He looked at me as if he couldn't believe I dared to question the Keeper of the Key. "Well. We keep the door locked because we don't want all the cool air to leave the building." Cold air?! Cold air is more valuable than human life, more important than human suffering. Holy. Hell. I had overheard him earlier telling a young employee that nobody knew why they locked one set of doors during emergencies. Only the manager had been trained and knew WHY.

About twenty minutes after that (about 45 minutes into waiting out the storm), the rain got somewhat lighter and the lightning storm seemed to have moved on, so the woman beside me and I decided to take our chances and make a run for it. I was half expecting Dramaboy to try to tell us that the other doors were open, and these were staying locked. I was glad (for his sake) he didn't.

As I was loading my groceries into my trunk, a car pulled into the handicapped parking space directly in front of my car. A tiny old man who looked at least ninety slowly and carefully got out of his car, fetched an umbrella out of his trunk, and carefully made his way toward his wife through the giant puddle of a parking lot. She had been trying the entire time to turn her frail body toward her open door, in order to get out with his help. He helped her to her feet, which obviously wasn't an easy task, while holding his umbrella over her head. She had a hunched back that hindered her from standing completely upright. They had walked maybe four or five tentative steps toward the store when I saw him.

There stood Dramaboy, standing outside his unlocked door, WAVING BOTH ARMS BACK AND FORTH IN UNISON, pointing his fingers toward the other entrance that was at least 50 yards away. His ugly mouth was enunciating like a silent movie villain (come to think of it, he actually had a razor-thin slash of beard along his jawline, with a goatee and moustache that totally indicated his melodramatic nature): "Use the other door! OTH (point) ER (point) DOOR! (point point)" His legs were spread wide to give his arms more leverage to wave in the worst dramatic display I have ever seen in my life. The old couple looked confused as they turned back toward their car to drive closer to the other entrance.

As I sat in my car, I stared at Dramaboy, absolutely astounded. I actually debated whether or not to go rip that asshole a new one, but I realized someone like him is simply not going to "get it" anyway.

That didn't stop me from hoping he got home that night to discover the wind had ripped his entire roof off, so he could enjoy the rain as much as he expected others to.

Dear Wry Catcher ~

You wrote, "Out with the prickly phallic cactus dilemma, in with a new post!"

That is RICH.

I would hate to cause you to say once again "Hellish limbo, thy name is Wry Catcher", (which made me laugh out loud when I read it, by the way) so I'll tell you that I've got at least three blog posts brewing in this brain of mine, just itchin' to be free. All in good time.

I shall do my best to write one of them tonight. Only because I think you rock.

With love,


July 6, 2007

Right To Life?

I'm experiencing my own private Right To Life moral dilemma right now:

To live, or not to let live: that is the question.

July 5, 2007

Song for Simeon

Oh where, oh where has our Simeon gone?
Oh where, oh where can he be?
With his blog cut short,
and absence so long,
Oh where, oh where can he be?

Listen, Sim. I've been asked by many different bloggers if I know where you are or what's happened to you or your blog. Since I don't know, could you please let me know so I can tell others if they ask? Do you still read my blog?

If you are unable to come back, know that we miss you and your wit and charm, and we miss your humor most of all.

Best wishes, my friend.

July 4, 2007

As overheard tonight

Dartman, to our 9 year old: Hey, don't freak out when you see mom's boulder holders hanging in the bathtub tomorrow.

S: Boulder holders??

Dartman: Yeah, you know, OVER-THE-SHOULDER-BOULDER-HOLDERS. Her bras.

S: Eeeeeeeeew! That's just GROSS!

July 2, 2007


Upon my return from vacation in Vegas, I caught up on a bunch of blog reading...and soon discovered that I'd been tagged by Sacred Sister, Chanson, Lisey's Mom, and Jazzy to post 8 random things about me. I was also tagged by Wry Catcher AND Sara Sue to give you 8 things I know about Sideon. I have a nagging suspicion that I may have missed other tags directed my way, and if I did, I am including any with this post as well.

Killing 6 birds with one stone, I shall shake this up a bit to combine both tag types:

1. It never fails that when I'm sitting in a public restroom stall, and the toilet paper is hanging down past the holder, I wonder who may have tampered with the T.P. that I'm about to use. I even consciously think how strange it is that I just had such a ridiculously paranoid thought, but that doesn't prevent me from thinking about actually ripping a length off first, throwing it away, and THEN tearing another untouched length off for personal use.

Sideon only has to use T.P. occasionally, due to his anatomical make-up and his super power of vertical urination.

2. In the time it took to type out #1, I got two spam e-mails in my inbox, one from SwivelSweeper Ease and one from Make a Match. Each time I hear the chime that I just got e-mail, I hope it's because someone has posted a comment on my blog. I love it when that happens!

Sideon refuses to eat Spam. His words are, and I quote: "I do not eat Spam! No mystery meat for me, not even if he's tall, dark and handsome!"

3. I love people watching. I could sit for hours and watch people, and never tire of it. I enjoy making up life stories for them in seconds as they walk by...it's even more fun when I have someone I really like to share my stories with. "See that woman? She looks so haggard because she just found out that her husband who's been on disability and hasn't worked for 20 years is leaving her for a younger woman - that skanky clerk with a lip ring and mongo cleavage who works at the deli around the corner."

Sideon doesn't have to tell me he's also a people-watcher for me to know it's true. His awesome writing skills suggest it better than I ever could.

4. I wish sometimes that I were more of a domestic goddess. Of course, I wonder how much of that has to do with growing up my whole life knowing that my very worth hinged on being a stay-at-home mother and doing everything just right. I grew up knowing the only worthy and admirable thing I should pursue was motherhood and making Home a Heaven on Earth. Well...I may as well go paint flames on my walls and crank up the heat, I'm that far from heavenly domesticity!

Sideon recently endured construction of an addition to his home with Scott. They are still doing improvements such as installing tile and landscaping. Sideon has NO IDEA how lucky he is to not be living closer to me, or I'd have him over all the time, teaching me how to do stuff like that. (I'm thinking flame-colored tile mosaic in my bathroom, and a gurgling Beelzebub fountain in my backyard...)

5. I once gave a giant Hershey's Kiss to a boy I liked on Valentine's Day with a note that read, "I heard the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...Is it true?" I wonder where that cheesy romantic in me went.

Sideon is a poet at heart. His romantic side is alive and kickin'. Although, I don't think he's cheesy at all, nor could he be, even if he tried.

6. I accidentally typed "69" when I numbered this line and I didn't notice it until after I had started typing something else. Then I just had to make that Freudian slip be what I shared here.

Sideon appreciates the number 69. What healthy American male doesn't??

7. I once went on vacation to Hawaii. There were countless Asian tourists there, and once we got home, my husband was shocked to see over 150 photos of Asian people that I took. I did so with the hope that I could paint some of them. I am fascinated by Asian people, and wish the one or two found in Montana would model for me.

Sideon hears the word 'modeling' and immediately thoughts race through his mind, each one better than the last: "Modeling? As in, sunken cheeks and super thin, but extremely attractive? Or as in, oh gawd I wish I had better genes? Or, why couldn't I have been born a porn star? Wait - that's not modeling, is it...?" What Sideon doesn't know is that I'd model each of my friends after him if I could. He's fabulous.

8. Someday when we're all financially able, I'd love to start a Sisters' Annual Trip to exotic places, for just my sisters and me (and Mom). Of course, my youngest sister is the same age as my stepdaughter, so she'd obviously come too. And since I couldn't just take ONE daughter and leave my other daughter out, she'd be invited too. Oh, hell. May as well charter a bus.

Sideon knows how to have a good time, no matter where he is. I've seen him completely entertained by a drunken woman in a bar, and I've seen him completely enthralled by a conversation with a long-lost uncle years older than him. Part of what makes Sideon so great is his ability to make those around him feel good about themselves, and free to be who they are without apology.

. . . . .
I hereby refuse to tag anyone else, for fear Tag Karma comes back again to bite me in the butt. I can only think up so many random things about myself! In future, remember you can find out all you want to know about me, by simply reading my blog. Eventually it'll all come out.

A big thanks in advance to Sideon for being a good sport about the unexpected comments here with his name on them.

Main Street Plaza

I posted a new creative writing piece titled Dear Mr. Church over on Main Street Plaza...

Check it out.

What Happens in Salt Lake, STAYS in Salt Lake!

Friday evening the exmo party was to be at 6:00 p.m. Xcetra and her husband FoMo had kindly offered their home, since they had built a new home and had been wanting to host a get-together since December. She invited a group of exmos she knows in addition to those from FLAK who said they'd like to be there too. It was a BBQ: bring your own meat, drinks and side dishes or snacks to share. Aaaah, ward potluck memories!

Dartman and I couldn't be there until 8:00 p.m., so by the time we arrived, the party had been going already for a couple hours. We met Xcetra at the door, and when she led us into the kitchen, Christy saw that we had arrived, and ran over to introduce us to the people we didn't know. I saw that From the Ashes was there, and everyone else besides Christy, her friend Craig, and FTA were strangers to me. I'm sorry to say that my memory for names is HORRIBLE, so I can't name all the people I met, but they all seemed nice. It was apparent from the first look that they had partied together before, and that they were all quite good friends.

We sat down at the dining room table where the munchies were, and we sipped our drinks and talked with people who were there. I had a lot of fun...I don't have a lot of opportunity to enjoy parties like that. The others were having a great time. Every once in awhile the music would be turned up loud, and the group of friends would converge on the kitchen, the deck out back, or the living room, and they were very lively.

A couple different times during the evening one of them would approach me and ask if I was uncomfortable. Um, I wasn't uncomfortable until you ASKED me if I was! Apparently I must have LOOKED uncomfortable at times. In my own defense, I was sporting a migraine that night, and it's hardly fun for others at a party to hear someone complaining that their head hurts like a sonofagun, so that may be why I looked "uncomfortable."

I was thrilled when a couple of my favorite bloggers showed up: JulieAnn from Ravings of a Mad Woman, and T.Wanker from Mormon Erotica. They may have shown up and left together, and looked like a couple who fits perfectly together, but I'd never let THAT cat out of the bag, would I?? They were so much fun to talk with, and it really did seem like we had known each other for a long time as we talked and laughed together. I was very glad to get to know them better, and to meet them in person. Great people.

We also met Julianna (Enlightened Molly) and her husband Richard (whose exmo forum name I promptly forgot)...they were very easy to talk to and I really enjoyed getting to know them. I have found a kindred spirit in Julianna, and I look forward to getting to know her better via email as well. I have a feeling I'll be seeing them again someday. We all had fun snacking on brie and bread, fruit chunks soaked in port, sugar cookies, and chips and salsa. All of us talked for what seemed like hours, with an occasional interruption of fun times from the other guests as they came and entertained us with what they had to say.

Christy's BFF, Shiree, was very fun, lively, and memorable in how she handled being drunk. She had a cute tendency to start talking loudly, and slowly, while waving her arms for emphasis as she told us a story. We decided that when I wrote about the party on my blog, I'd describe it as awesome. Only, just for Shiree, it's gotta be OSS-UM! It was fun meeting her after reading about her on Christy's blog before.

The group of couples there whom I didn't know before that night seemed very fun and carefree. There were some unexpected things going on at the party, such as clove cigarettes, pot, cigars, and other stuff that I'm hesitant to write about for fear I come across as judgemental when in fact I'm not judging, just processing. I have a To Each His Own mindset that is growing broader every day. I will say it was rather unexpected for me to see people behaving so openly in front of people who are basically strangers, without reservation. Some things that I saw: people making out with or fondling someone else's spouse, girls feeling each other up, girls flashing their bras to the group. I try to keep an open mind, and if both partners in a relationship are willing to be open in that way, and their friends are also open to it, then I can see no problem. I sometimes wish I were less inhibited myself.

Just so Dartman doesn't assume that if I'm ever at a future exmo function alone, I'll be engaging in stuff I wouldn't do if he were there. Although, since I've never been fully drunk before, who knows what I'm capable of?? ;)

I was really glad to have had the chance to meet bloggers and exmo friends on that Friday in Salt Lake City. It was quite memorable and I look forward to the next time I can do it again, hopefully without a headache next time!

And sadly, I didn't take any pictures at either exmo gathering that day. I considered taking my camera, but wasn't sure how well that would be received, since many of the people I met were strangers to me, so I decided against photos. Next time I'll see what I can do to rectify the situation.